Oh Deer
Coming face to face with a cop can be intimidating, especially when they ask, “Do you know why I pulled you over today?” In this case, most of us know not to say that we were going 80 mph in a 55 zone, or that we were listening to Metallica and got a little carried away (even if it’s true).
“No sir, trust us, we weren’t drinking the champagne and driving… it just exploded all over us!” Yes, that actually happened. You’re about to read some of the most bizarre excuses that cops have ever heard from civilians- and that turned out to be true. These stories are as hilarious as they are anxiety-inducing, and it’s safe to say you likely haven’t heard stories like these before…
No Chest Bump, Please
Had a domestic in progress I responded to during Christmas Day and the excuse for them fighting was “we’re not mad at each other, we’re just upset because we wanted to surprise the kids for Christmas; we got some deer, dressed them up, but now they’re destroying our house.” Wait, say what?
Turns out there was literally three fully grown white-tailed deer in the house somehow dressed with full bell harnesses like Santa’s reindeer. I had to call the game wardens down to help me remove the deer from the property without injury. Reddit user: Iamninja28
Who Made Me Crash?
My dad is a police officer, and he pulled someone over for speeding and running a red light. She had just blasted right through it. The woman, upon being pulled over, said that actually her breast implant had burst. He called EMS to rush her to the hospital.
It turns out that it did in fact explode, which evidently can happen sometimes. Apparently it’s actually very dangerous if they leak, so it was a really good thing that he trusted his intuition and helped get her some medical help. Reddit user: [redacted]
IKEA, Beginner Of Brawls
Not the cop in this story, but someone crashed into a tree on their way to work, and most people have an excuse as to why they weren’t at fault when they crash. In this particular case, the woman said an owl flew into her car and she swerved off the road into a tree.
The cop gets into the car to move it for the tow truck, and sure enough, an owl flies from the backseat past the officer’s face and goes right out the front window. The owl was included in the diagram of the accident report. Reddit user: isthisreddit157
Blood Sugar Crisis
We got a call of a domestic dispute that sounded very heated, and a lot of banging was heard. Get to the scene, and I can hear someone yelling and swearing and brawling; doesn’t sound good at all. The guy answers the door, with his shirt off and angry.
But he seems bewildered as to why police had been called. He told me he was building IKEA furniture, which on the surface sounds like a quick excuse. But we enter the house and see the new IKEA furniture half set up, and no one else is home. Color me surprised. Reddit user: Bouncycastle56
Leggo Your Taco
Former cop here. I was behind a vehicle that couldn’t stay in the lane, kept swerving, etc. It was 1 am, and I think another drunk idiot on the road. Pull him over, guy is straight-up awful to me. Cursing me out, yelling at me, and I notice his speech is slurred.
I get him out of the car, and I can smell a fruity smell on his breath. He’s in such bad shape that actually he has to lean against the car for support. I ask him how much he had to drink and he tells me to screw off. By this point I’m ready to bring him in for a DUI.
But I just had a feeling something wasn’t right. “I called EMS to come check him, his blood sugar was at 40. He wasn’t drunk, just a diabetic. If I would have arrested him, he probably would have died before I finished the paperwork. Reddit user: Exsoulja
A Mirage Come True
I am not a cop, but I did get stopped by one for eating a taco. I hit up Taco Bell for lunch and was just sitting in my car eating my double decker tacos when a cop drove past me slowly. Next thing I know he’s flipping a U-turn and heading right for me.
He slides to a stop driver window to driver window and yells, “What on earth do you think you’re doing?” Stunned, I just mutter, “Eating my lunch?” I just hold up my taco and look so confused. He bursts out laughing and speeds off. Reddit user: I_Killed_Kenny
Scary Speeding Incident
Had a call one night for some teenagers trespassing on one of the larger properties in the more wealthy part of my patrol area. Get there, partner and I found the kids and asked them what they’re doing. They said they heard a school rumor there was a camel kept on the property.
This is in the Southwestern US, ain’t no camels here. We tell them to get out of there, and they didn’t argue. My partner looks at me and goes, “You know, I kinda want to see if there is a camel.” So we’re wandering around the property with our flashlights when I turn and my flashlight reveals an actual, live, untethered camel!
We talked with the property owner, who wanted to press charges on the kids for trespassing, but my partner was able to talk the guy out of it when we started asking if he had the required permits for the camel and if the city knew. Reddit user: Atony94
Sorry, Dad
In 2009, I stopped a guy for speeding and gave the whole introduction about if he knew why I pulled him over. I asked him if he had a legal reason to speed. He said, “I think my kid has H1N1 (the swine flu)!” My first thought was…suuuuuuure buddy. It was a big thing people were afraid of then.
I looked in the back seat and sure enough saw that the kid looked pretty horrible. I didn’t even question it. I told him to make sure to get to the hospital. We were only a few miles away from one, and he zipped right off after. Reddit user: MechaKiryu
Frog In My Car
My partner and I arrested a fella one evening on a warrant. During the search, we found one of those metal pill bottles that go on a person’s key chain; you can buy them at Walgreens and the like. The guy is a known substance abuser, and inside the container is a crushed white powder. One would assume he’s concealing drugs, right?
So we take him, and the container, to the station for testing. We test for all the major substances that this could turn out to be. Negative across the board. Keep in mind that testing requires a small sample every time, so before we run out of our ability to test, I decided to finally just ask him what was in the metal container.
He pauses… then starts losing his mind. “Those are my deceased father’s ashes I keep with me. EVERY ounce better be there!” I bolt out of the room and run over to the other officer to stop him for further testing. Not one of my favorite days on the job. Reddit user: OMCurtis
Don’t Make Me Lose My Girlfriend
A car I was traveling behind was unable to stay in the same lane and was driving at pretty erratic speeds. All the usual signs of there being an impaired driver. I stopped him, and when I approached the car, I wasn’t prepared for the reason he was driving like that.
He said that he had a frog in his car and he didn’t want it to jump on him. I looked inside the car, and there it was: a frog sitting on his dashboard. I got the frog out (safely) and let him go with a warning because it was honestly just too funny. Reddit user: mrs-degree
Sorry, General
Stopped a guy on a suspended registration and he started getting upset, but not at me. I ask him why he’s so upset; he says it’s the wife’s car, but she stopped making payments and it got suspended. On top of that, he was angry because he was on the way to his new girlfriend’s place and she was gonna dump him if he didn’t show.
I issued him a criminal ticket, thinking he was gonna back off and leave the story. Instead he goes, “I totally get why you gave me a ticket, but I don’t want this girl to dump me. She’s a smokeshow Can you give me a ride there?” I say fine, but you have to introduce me…again thinking he’d back off the story.
He says “ok deal” and away we go. We’re sitting outside and this girl refuses to come out, so he puts me on the phone. I tell her that it’s either she comes out and says hi or I bring him to jail. Out she comes…She was an 11/10. Reddit user: TheVoiceOfHam
Gotta Catch Em’ All, Officer
I used to work as a military police officer. I was working at the main gate one night, and this guy tried to come on to the base, but he didn’t have any form of ID other than a driver’s license. The guy told me that a general said he could come to the base, but he didn’t have any proof of that either.
He also didn’t know what the general’s name was. Long story short is that it turns out that the dude actually ended up being legit. The reason he was coming on base was to be awarded a Silver Star the next day from that general. Reddit user: bleachymartini
Just Call Him Robin Hood
This still happens way more often than you think, surprisingly. I’ll see cars driving very slowly and very oddly in the middle of the night. Like at random locations such as store parking lots, churches, and closed parks. I don’t know what it is at first.
I usually think that they might be casing or whatever. It’s odd enough for a casual contact. But it’s actually the app Pokemon Go every time. Pokemon Go: causing strange behavior and poor driving (and walking) habits since 2016. Reddit user: [redacted]
That’s Just Nuts
Had an unemployed guy on video giving large sums of cash money to an employed guy. I knew unemployed guy had recently robbed a place and had lots of cash on hand. During questioning, I confront him about having the extra cash as a guy with no job to give to the guy with a job.
He says that he recently ended up winning the lottery and was helping the other dude out. Just to cover my bases, I went to the lottery department to verify if he had any winnings. The guy had actually won $5k shortly after the robbery. Reddit user: [redacted]
He Just Missed His Wife
Many years ago, I was on ride-along with my police officer father when he and another officer had to conduct a felony stop on a vehicle that came back reported as stolen. While frisking one of the vehicle’s occupants, he discovered a little baggie on him.
It contained a pale, crystalline-looking substance in the guy’s pocket. The kid’s story was that his mother gave him these baggies of crushed peanuts because he liked to eat them on his oranges. I don’t know about the mom part, but he wasn’t lying about the substance being peanuts. Reddit user: siingthislie989
Poor Communication
I got a call of a domestic violence argument that was in progress. I arrive with back up and stage the scene. We hear a male yelling and crying at his wife. He refuses to answer the door, so we have to kick it in. We clear the house and find him in his bed.
The wife is nowhere to be seen. He is still all worked up and crying. We finally get him to focus on us for a second and ask where his wife went. He pulls back the covers and shows us her urn. He just brought her home from the cremation. Reddit user: [redacted]
Just Trying To Party, Man
My cousin was a cop who pulled someone over for speeding at night. He’s got his flashlight out for visibility. Starts the standard traffic stop routine. Guy isn’t cooperating at all- not being rude, just not cooperating. Cousin asks him again for papers. Guy points to the side of his own head and just shrugs.
Cousin yells louder, guy remains stone-faced and keeps up the shrug routine, refusing to even show license, registration, or insurance. This goes on until it becomes like a sovereign citizen stop (look it up on YouTube, very entertaining). Cousin grabs him by the lapel and pulls him out through the window and tosses him up on the car.
Then the guy finally decides it’s time to say, “I’m deaf! I’m deaf!” Turns out he wasn’t just mocking my cousin, but was pointing to his ear and shrugging to say, “I can’t hear you.” Deaf guy later explains he reads lips, but the flashlight was blinding him. Cousin verifies this somehow, and the guy was in fact deaf. Cousin felt awful about the incident, and just dusted the guy off, before offering him a heartfelt apology. Reddit user: [redacted]
Man Without A Country
I went to respond to a burglary a couple of years ago at about 1 o’clock in the morning. Found a guy about half a mile up the road hanging around, so I asked what he was up to. He was quite shifty and vague and just said the classic “waiting for a friend” line.
I told him that I didn’t believe him and unless he told me what he was really doing there I would nick him for the burglary. He eventually pulled out his phone with a swingers app opened on it. It turns out they only give you the zip code for the party.
You basically have to contact the host for the exact address once you’re nearby. He was waiting for the host to get back to him so he could go join in the fun. I guess that’s pretty much the reason he didn’t really want to talk about it. Reddit user: [redacted]
“We Have Donuts”
We all tend to make mix-ups sometimes, especially when we’re under a lot of pressure, but this one ended up having major consequences. I remember there was a guy that got deported because upon being brought to jail, he thought they wanted his ethnicity.
The jail staff had actually asked for his nationality. I verified his Social Security Number and birth record, sure enough, he was telling the truth. Also, liking Italian food doesn’t make you Italian. And partying on St. Patrick’s Day doesn’t make you Irish. Got it? Reddit user: grachuss
My Baby Is Coming!
I thought these guys I pulled over were smuggling drugs, and when I asked them to roll down their windows, they said — and I kid you not — “Don’t give us tickets, we have donuts.” I told them to exit the vehicle and found out what was in the trunk.
They actually did have about 24 dozen donuts, and alas no drugs. So I ended up letting them go, but I have to tell you that I had the hardest time trying to keep a straight face when I opened up their trunk to take a look and found all those donuts. Reddit user: Axel_Miths
My Neighbors Are Terrorizing Me
Stopped a speeder in a residential neighborhood. Female driver said she was in labor and was driving home to get her insurance card. She was a few blocks from the hospital but traveling in the opposite direction. I called her out on that, and she said the hospital needed the card and would not see her otherwise.
I told her if she mailed me a copy of a birth certificate showing a birth within 24 hours of the ticket, I would talk to the district attorney about dismissing her ticket. Sure enough, three weeks later I got a letter in the mail with it. Reddit user: Mon0tone85
Witchy Business
This one’s a doozy. We had a woman calling almost nightly that her neighbors were terrorizing her. She claimed they were prank calling her, setting off their car alarms in the middle of the night, leaving things on her doorstep, etc. Every time we responded, we found no evidence of anything.
One time, an officer parked a block away and heard nothing while she called 911 and said the neighbors were setting off car alarms. I looked into her history and found out she had lived in three different cities and filed harassment complaints against her neighbors in all 3 cities. Clearly nuts, right?
One time, she downloaded an app that unblocks phone numbers. I responded and called the number; it was her neighbor. After enough pressure, we found out that these two 70-year-olds would get up in the middle of the night and torment her. Reddit user: OfficerJayBear
The Show Did Not Go On
I got pulled over for speeding on my way to a play that I was starring in. The police offer had asked me why I was in such a hurry and why I was going so fast. I said that I had to get on stage right away. It’s pretty lucky that I was already in my costume.
The play I was cast in was Arthur Miller’s The Crucible. I was playing Abigail, wearing my bonnet and the whole getup. The police offer actually ended attending one of the performances later that week, too. I hope that he enjoyed it! Reddit user: Redpythongoon
RIP Flufi
We got a call about a pretty serious-sounding domestic fight from a neighbor. Lots of screaming and crying and things being thrown around. The caller said that they thought it sounded pretty physical. As officers are en route, the original caller calls back.
They say that everything is fine, and it’s just a dispute over a TV show. Officers get on scene, and turns out the screaming and yelling was over the American Idol finale. Imagine being mad enough about a singing show that you get the cops called on you. Reddit user: bambam0517
Feeling Antsy
Animal lovers, read no further. I pulled someone over and his eyes were swollen like pink eye. So I thought he had a drug in his system, but he said he was just crying a ton because his cat had just died. Not really believing him, I had him take a field sobriety test.
He ended up passing everything. After this, he asked me to go to his house and mourn with him. I waited until I was done, and he took me to his house. When we walk into the backyard, I see a gravestone: in loving memory of Flufi. Reddit user: Yheatmeat
A History Lesson
My first ever real call was for a flasher at the local park. When I got there and finally found him, it was a young man, 16-17, who had a pair of headphones on in a full pooh bear. I said, “Hey man, come here, what is going on? You have to keep your pants on, especially at the park.”
He goes on to tell me he had terrible itching down his pants and he just couldn’t take it anymore, so he had to rip his pants off and was running home to get help. I said, “Come on, you couldn’t make it home first?” He said, “No, I had ants in my pants.” According to more than one witness’ account, he had been sitting in a sandbox playing at the park and he had accidentally sat on a nest of red ants that had crawled up his pant legs. Reddit user: Bretc211
Floor It
Not a cop, but I had a run in with one that was really funny once. When I was 18, I was on a double date with a friend, and we stepped out of a restaurant to smoke. A cop came up and started harassing us, telling us there had been break-ins into cars in the area.
Eventually, he said he needed to pat us down, and he pulled a brown paper bag out of my friend’s pocket. He got a smug look on his face and asked, “So, what’s in here, huh?” My friend said, “The Emancipation Proclamation” with a completely straight face. The cop opened the bag.
He pulled out a small booklet, gets really embarrassed, and ended up letting us go. My friend had been to the Lincoln Museum earlier that day and did actually end up having a small copy of the Emancipation Proclamation in his pocket. Reddit user: RPShep
Why Aren’t You In School?
My dad was a cop, and my favorite story of his goes like this: He’s a young cop in a rough neighborhood. It’s so late that the stop lights are flashing red, meaning treat it like a stop sign. Out of nowhere, this pink caddy goes rolling through the intersection. My dad pulls him over.
A big old dude was driving; the caddy had a fur interior, dice in the mirror. A real “pimp” car if you know what I mean. My dad goes, “Sir, do you know you ran that light back there?” And this guy says, “Officer, I do believe I got between the flashes.” My dad was laughing so hard he had to let the guy go. I mean, it’s a pretty solid defense. Reddit user: [redacted]
You’ve Got The Wrong Man
I got pulled over for driving to school at 10 in the morning. No joke. The cop wanted to know why I was skipping school. I explained that our little towns girl’s basketball team just won State and since the game was so far away, they let us start that day at 10:30am.
He then followed me all the way to the school so he could ask the principal and corroborate the story. I still don’t know what was illegal about driving to school at 10 in the morning, but this police offer was kind of a jerk. Reddit user: Pokey_The_Bear
One Big Catfight
I was the one with the excuse! Forgot my keys at a friend’s place before going out drinking that night. Get home at 2 am, no keys. Only one of our windows didn’t have ghetto bars, so I took the screen out and starting pushing/smacking it up. As I’m halfway in, I just feel “WUMP!”
Got tackled into the house; the officer was still outside, holding onto my ankles. I looked up and just said, “I’m astonished by your response time! I actually live here, let me get up, unlock the door, and give you my ID.” So I did, and he stared at it for a second. Then he said sorry and sprinted off to look for the person they were actually in the area looking for. Reddit user: gigglemetinkles
A Disturbing Discovery
We go to a woman who has been attacked by her cat. Her injuries were really crazy. She was COVERED in blood, her scalp was literally shredded, with huge lacerations and everything. I know cats are known to do some damage, but the story wasn’t fitting at all.
She was so sketchy about anyone going in her house. Adamantly refuses to let anyone inside because she thinks they’re going to take away her cat. “He didn’t mean to, he was just excited by the birds.” Her cat was a lynx. Reddit user: yourmomisanicelady
Sorry I Asked
Pulled a guy over who was speeding profusely. The guy was obviously pretty disheveled. He said he was headed to the hospital because he had a tick on his private parts. I was confused, but I escorted him there, then waited in the lobby to check on him.
I wanted to see if this guy was telling the truth or just blowing smoke. After a while, he asked the desk what was going on and why it was taking so long to simply take a tick off. Her reply was so memorable: “It wasn’t on it. It was in it.” Reddit user: ldt003
Sparks Were Flying
Oh, the lengths some will go to avoid getting a speeding ticket. So much secondhand embarrassment. I had a friend that got pulled over for speeding. The cop asked why he was speeding, and my friend said that he had to go to the bathroom. #2. The cop didn’t believe him.
So what does my brilliant friend do? He ends up going to the bathroom right there in his pants in front of the officer and gets let go with a warning. The good news: he didn’t get a ticket. The bad news: his car, pride, and pants paid the price. Reddit user: [redacted]
Unfortunate Lookalike
I once stopped a guy at night on a dark country road for throwing a lit cigarette butt out the window of his car. I distinctly saw the obvious spray of sparks from the area of the passenger side rear wheel. Is anybody else already getting major “Old Town Road” vibes?
When I went up to contact the driver, he was polite to me but told me he didn’t throw any cigarette butts out the window. I reminded him I have a dashboard camera and asked if he wished to revise his story. The driver was adamant, saying he doesn’t smoke.
He said I could search his car if I wanted. I leaned in and noted no smell of tobacco. I went back to my car and reviewed the video. Near as I could tell, the car drove over a lit butt on the roadway and threw a shower of sparks. Reddit user: dupcakewars39
Cop Catnip
They say everybody in the world has a doppelganger, and sadly that may just get you into some trouble someday. I’m not a cop, but I have a very common name, and I got pulled once over for driving across the median. Not smart, but it shouldn’t have been that serious.
They tell me that there was a warrant out for me for assault or something. As it turns out, a guy with the exact same name and birthday born in the same city did this, and it took me about 20 mins of pleading to get the officers to realize I did not match the description. Reddit user: ghostzapper2005
Champagne Showers Gone Wrong
I was driving with my fiancé, and we went through a roadblock where they checked registration; we get to the cops, and they ask for our registration. I’m sitting in the passenger seat, so I open up the glovebox and right there is a clear, unmarked baggie filled to the brim with catnip.
Dinner for the cat or an after-dinner treat for her, I’m sure he wondered. I completely forgot it was there and just froze. Wide-eyed, I turned to look at the cop shining his light through my open window and he’s frozen too, just staring at the baggie with this look on his face like “really?”
I just started immediately professing, “Omg I swear to god this is catnip, you can take it and smell it or test it or whatever you like, I swear.” And at this point, it’s just so ridiculous that I start cracking up, and the cop takes it and reasonably deduces I’m telling the truth. He starts laughing and calls his partner over and tells her what happened, and they both just cackled away for a minute and sent us on our way. Reddit user: alexsangthat
Honest-Tea
This was my favorite story from my 4th grade teacher (not a cop). She went to a cousin’s wedding in mid-July. The cousin had overestimated how much champagne they would need at the reception and was giving away bottles to anyone who was interested, so my teacher took 3 and put them in the backseat of her car.
Again, this was a hot summer day in July. After saying their goodbyes, my teacher, her husband, and her parents piled into the car and pulled out onto the highway…where two bottles burst open, spraying champagne everywhere and causing quite a ruckus. Bad situation for the car and the whole “not having champagne” thing.
Of course, while this was happening, the car was swerving as the driver and passengers were all getting bathed in sparkling champagne. So it came as no surprise that as soon as they collected themselves, they saw the familiar flashing lights of a state trooper and pulled over. The first thing the cop said was, “I’m not gonna ask if you’ve been drinking, because I can smell it from here.”
My teacher tried explaining what had happened, but the cop wouldn’t hear any of it and ordered everyone out of the car. That’s when the cop saw everyone dressed in their finery, but soaked with champagne and looking quite shaken. Reddit user: sheikhyerbouti
So it’s the holiday season a few years ago. I work at a coffee shop at the time and go to a co-worker’s New Year’s ugly sweater party. Have a few drinks until 10pm, then switch to water. My one friend gets to talking to me about tea cause we work with coffee and tea.
She gives me a teabag in a plastic baggy. I put it in my pocket. 2am rolls around and I leave, but I am tired as all get-out. I want to get home and get to sleep, so I’m blasting music to keep me awake and probably going a little too fast, but not really drastically so. Anyway, the party lights kick on behind me, and I pull over.
We go through the questions. Where are you coming from? Where are you going? You been drinking? Doing anything else? I blow clean on the breathalyzer. I walk the line fine. Balance on one leg. Then one of the cops pats me down and reaches into my pocket.
Him: “Son. What do you have in your pocket?” Me knowing how ridiculous I’m about to sound: “It’s tea, officer.” Him, about as dubious as you can expect: “You expect me to believe you have tea in your pocket.” Me: “My friend gave it to me.” At this point, his partner looks to be trying not to laugh.
The cop in front of me looks over his shoulder at his partner in a “you believe this guy?” sort of way, then back to me. Him: “Get it out.” He holds out his hand while I fumble around and withdraw the plastic baggy from my pants pocket, complete with the single serving of tea neatly labeled, and hand it over.
Him: “Why on earth do you have tea in your pocket?” he asks. Me: “I like tea, officer….” I respond in probably the most matter of fact way possible. Now his partner finally gives up on restraining his laughter. The other cop gives me the tea back and tells me to go home and sleep. I never could bring myself to try that tea. I still have it in the same bag on my shelf. I guess it’s lucky. Reddit user: Korhal