An Important Man with Important Excuses
Many employees lie. In fact, hearing a lie is something that bosses and managers try to prepare themselves for every time someone calls in and says they can’t come in to work. Most of the time, these lies don’t make a ton of sense. And it’s all because people don’t want to go to work but lack a good enough reason not to come in.
Cue the lies about medical emergencies, doctor visits, deaths, accidents, and more. Some people have even gone out of the box to say that they had to meet with heads of states, along with doozies like having to save the world with nuclear codes. But while those seem perfectly “possible,” if a stretch, some people’s excuses were so creative (or not) that their bosses saw right through them.
Here are the silliest reasons that people have called out of work for. Please don’t consider using any of these, because you will be caught.
I had a coworker who had some serious delusions of grandeur, but only when he was calling in sick. Once, he called in because he was expecting an important call from the president of the United States. Then, he had to personally stop the Italian mafia from coming to town. And the Irish mafia. And the Sinaloa cartel.
His Wife Was Ready
Another time, a nuclear missile was headed towards America, and he had to go input the codes to shut it down because no one else knew them. Also, a rabid group of fangirls descended on him demanding autographs. Then, a shipment from China containing poisoned baby formula was coming, and he had to go make sure it was destroyed before it ended up in supermarkets.
And another was that he had to go take photos with the Queen of England to improve her reputation. Unsurprisingly, he got canned for too many absences. Reddit user: mejathevelociraptor
By far the craziest thing I’ve heard (which ended up being true) was that one of my male employees was trying for a baby. The couple was deemed infertile and were going through all sorts of treatments and therapies. The man called in to speak to the manager and said his wife was “ready.”
Someone Stole Their Pants
The manager told him to take the day off. A few months later, they confirmed conception past 12 weeks. It was very exciting, but also strange. Reddit user: [redacted]
My coworker said a homeless man stole his pants. Not shirts. Not belts. Just pants. “I know you’re not going to believe this, but some homeless man broke into my house last night and stole all of my pants. I will not be able to make it in to work today because I have to file a police report and have no pants to wear.”
A Blood Test for Back Pain
Photo: creativecommons.org/Richard Masoner / Cyclelicious
He was right. I didn’t believe it. It turns out he had thrown his wife a birthday party, gotten a little bit too loaded on white wine, and put all of his pants into the garbage for some reason. His wife found them. Reddit user: pmurforscience
“I’ve got back pain because I fell off the back of a motorcycle. I won’t be able to make it in today.” I said, “That’s completely fine, come in when you’re—” only to be cut off by, “Well, the doctor said it could be the motorcycle. Or it could be my office chair.”
Ramen Noodle Poisoning
I started again, “Okay, well, if—” But then he said, “We’re waiting on the results from the blood test.” I was in shock and asked, “You’re taking a blood test to see if your back pain is from sitting in an old chair or falling off of a motorcycle?” He replied, “Yes.”
He just kept going on and on until it was obvious that he was lying. Why do people do this? More elaborate does not mean more believable. Reddit user: captainjack
One of my employees was this girl who called in sick with a cold and sore throat. I didn’t think much of it. On her return to work, I asked her if she got sick from being at work. I was expecting her to say no. Instead, she said, “Yes.” I was surprised, and I asked her to explain.
The Horoscope Was Off
“Well,” she said, “I was making ramen noodles in the kitchen, and the window was open. When I opened the little packet of seasoning, the wind blew all the powder into my face. I accidentally inhaled some of it.” It may not be the most elaborate excuse, but calling in sick via ramen noodle poisoning is certainly the weirdest excuse I’ve ever heard. Reddit user: complaintguy
I once had an employee call in and say she couldn’t come into work because, and I quote, “Everything was wrong.” I asked her to elaborate. With a deep sigh, she said that Mercury was in retrograde and there was a full moon in Scorpio. Allegedly, because she is a Capricorn, she was extra vulnerable to the cosmos….
Way Too Much Information
And so, she couldn’t come into work because it “would be too risky.” I was like, “You’re really trying to get out of work because of your horoscope?” She then snapped, “I knew you wouldn’t understand! You are such an Aries!” She slammed the phone down on me. She didn’t stay at the company for long. Reddit user: demonaardvark
I’m a team lead. The problem I have is getting TOO much information from those calling in sick. Our company policy says you’re entitled to three sick days and are not required to disclose the reason. I can’t tell you how many times people start describing a list of their grossest medical problems, and I’m just thinking, “Please stop, I don’t need to know.”
The Flu
Some examples are, “I have an open sore on my face and I think it’s some sort of fungus.” Or “My throat is swollen and I’m coughing up blood.” Then there’s the “I’m having uncontrollable bowel movements.” Reddit user: dukedavidp
I had an employee call in sick, saying that he had a really bad case of the flu. An hour later, he checked in at George Webb (a Milwaukee restaurant chain) on Facebook and posted a photo of himself standing in a line outside of the restaurant that was three or four blocks long.
Shards of Mirror…Where?
Guess what? He was waiting for a free hamburger that the restaurant was giving away because the Milwaukee Brewers won twelve games in a row. Reddit user: Captain Wisconsin
One time, an employee called me to tell me he wouldn’t be able to make it in to work because when he was sitting on the toilet taking a number two, a mirror that was hanging behind him fell off the wall and onto him. He claimed the mirror shattered and cut his lower back and rear.
Truths or Lies?
I didn’t even know what to say to that, although I had several questions. I just accepted the fact that he wasn’t going to be there that day. Reddit user: cheapthrillzz
When I worked at a restaurant, we had this 16-year-old food runner who used to shift-dodge a lot. It was every other week (or less) that there would be a wedding, a sick grandma, or a “mystery illness.” That sort of thing. And it was always on a Friday or Saturday night, too.
Abducted by Aliens
Anyway, on a really busy day, her mom called in and said her daughter (the employee) was hit by a car. My boss was like, “Come on, this is the third shift this week, now you’re getting your mommy to make your excuses?” So the mom sent us a bunch of pics of the girl completely laid out at the hospital.
She came back a couple of months later, still making lame excuses, except now the managers were too afraid to not believe her. So she kept getting away with it until the owner of the business fired her. Reddit user: [redacted]
I was waiting for a guy to turn up for his shift. After a few hours, I think he’s going to be a no-show, so I call him. He answers the phone, and he’s frantic. He says, with complete seriousness, that he’s been “abducted by aliens.” He said the actual words, “I’ve been abducted by aliens.”
My Mother Died Twice
This guy was pretty big into making up fantastical stories, so I thought nothing of it. He came in a few days later and explained to me that he’d found two illegal immigrants hiding in his truck. They’d abducted him for some reason or other, and the police used GPS to track him down. Reddit user: naeshite
I once had this male employee who was constantly late. It started off slow until he started coming in late every single day. Finally, he started to no show. But he would always have an excuse for his behavior. First, his dog died, then his grandma. And that was followed by a string of other tragedies.
Radiation in Japan
I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. I caught on and became a slightly wiser manager when his mother died twice in three months. Reddit user: Phogels
I work at a tech company in California. I came in one day, and my boss told me a coworker wouldn’t be coming in anymore. I asked why. He said that because of the nuclear power leak in Japan after the earthquake, she (the new worker) was fearful of radiation coming overseas.
The Fever of the Century
She came to the logical conclusion that it was safest to jump on a plane and head to the East Coast. She asked permission to work abroad. My boss said that he’d be willing to accommodate her for two weeks tops. She declined.
And I never saw her again. She didn’t have another job lined up, so I wonder what happened to her. Reddit user: sn00kie
I’m not a manager, just a firefighter in Boston. Back in 2011, my deputy chief recorded a fellow coworker calling our voicemail right after the Boston Bruins Stanley Cup win. He called up at 1 a.m., completely loaded, telling the deputy chief that he couldn’t come in for his shift at 7 a.m. because he had “come down with a fever: BRUINS FEVER.”
Retina Burn
He proceeded to yell, “It’s TUUKKA TIME!” screamed some more “WOOs!” and then hung up. It sounded like a killer party (or maybe even a riot) was going on in the background. My deputy chief was beside himself with laughter. He asked no questions and wrote it off as a sick day. Reddit user: silkyjohnson
I was a grocery bagger in high school, and the cashier who would always join me on my shift called out with “retina burn.” He said that he had driven 4 hours the day before, and it was clear and had snowed recently. That combination burned his retinas and gave him temporary blindness.
He Was Grounded
I got to be a cashier after that. He also got to wear sunglasses and a hat in school for a week, which was just awesome. Reddit user: dj_narwhal
Years ago, I had this guy call in and tell me that he couldn’t come to work this week because he was grounded. He was 25 years old at the time. I told him that this wasn’t an acceptable excuse and that he would be expected to work his scheduled shifts. So, he put his mom on the phone, and we had a nice long chat.
The Forgotten Accident
He lived at home, and she said that as long as he lived under her roof, it was her rules. She said that if I couldn’t respect her parenting decisions, then he’d be forced to quit. I kind of felt bad for the kid. Reddit user: smednyski
I had an employee call me on a Sunday night. “My girlfriend was in a car accident. I can’t be in tomorrow.” This is a guy that calls in sick at least once a week, so I press for more information. “Is she hurt?” I ask. “I don’t know,” he replies. “How’s she getting to the hospital?” “I don’t know.” “Is her car totaled?” “I don’t know.”
No Party, No Working
Photo: creativecommons.org/hydrolix
And it went on and on like this. I let him have the day off because I’m not a monster, but I didn’t believe him. He comes in on Tuesday driving a different car to work. I ask about the new car. He says it’s his girlfriend’s car. I say, “It’s already fixed?” He says, “Fixed?” I fired him. Reddit user: mynamejermo
I used to work at a trampoline park, and we had one guy who was super greedy when taking parties. He called the store one day and would only speak to me, since I was his favorite manager. He asked if there were any parties assigned to him, and I said no.
It’s Black Friday
He then replied with, “I’m not coming in, I don’t feel too good.” I told my general manager and he called BS, then wrote him up for it. Reddit user: lionheart41269
Like many other managers, I’ve had my fair share of silly excuses. But this one, for sure, takes the cake. I had a guy call me up once to say he wasn’t coming to work because he was superstitious and refused to work on any Friday that falls on the 13th.
All About the House
His reason was because something bad always happened to him on those days. The same person also once told me he cut his hand on a banana. Reddit user: dhdnen
There used to be a guy that worked our 6 pm – 3 am shift. He would always show up, but like clockwork around midnight, he would always come into the office with some kind of emergency that forced him to leave early. It was usually a toss-up between “My house is being robbed!” or “My house is on fire!”
A Mishap with a Woman
But this time, he burst into the office and said, “My wife is being held captive, and then they are going to rob me and burn down the house!” Reddit user: OdinsonALT
There were stories about this guy who made up an excuse at my old job. It was a small private development company (with about 100 employees). This man saw fit to send a mass email to all employees saying, “I can’t come in today because a hustler spilled marinara sauce on my pants.”
A Constant String of Excuses
Then he replied back, saying, “Sorry guys for the misunderstanding; I didn’t pay her.” He wanted to say he didn’t hire her, but still, it was hilarious. Reddit user: hunkydorey_ca
I’m not a manager, but I’m a floor installer, and I run my own crew from time to time. We had this one guy who was constantly complaining about how broke he was and how he NEEDED to work so badly, and yet he just didn’t ever want to actually show up. Here’s a selection of my favorite of his excuses.
Sight Going in and Out
Once, there was a construction truck parked blocking his driveway. I thought, “Why not ask them to move?” Another time, someone had allegedly been “messing with him” and slowly letting the air out of all of his tires. Clearly, they couldn’t possibly be leaking since they were only 5 years old!
Then, someone had broken into his vehicle under cover of night, removed the motor that operates the windows, and replaced it with a burnt-out one on the driver’s side, so now his window barely works. I mean the car’s only about 13 years old. It couldn’t be wearing out by itself.
We offered this dude a full-time job with a guaranteed permanent position if he proved himself. He proved that he would rather come up with ANY reason not to work. Reddit user: [redacted]
I once had this employee who called in on Friday for his Monday shift because he was blind. He had to wait out the weekend to go to a specialist. When he went in, the doctors still gave him 3 weeks off even though they didn’t find anything wrong, even after the scans.
No Working on Christmas
But he claimed he could barely see. Two weeks in, he walked in for his paycheck. “Oh you can see now; how are you able to see the door and see me and drive here?” Reddit user: bdp9850
I used to work at a well-known multinational coffee chain whose name starts with “S” and ends in “tarbucks.” The stores are open on Christmas Day, but no one can be scheduled for the shift. Instead, you have to volunteer to work that day. It’s really good pay and the tips are crazy, so usually there’s no problem.
Car Troubles
Anyway, this one guy from another store volunteered to work Christmas Day. On Christmas morning, the store gets a phone call from his mom saying he’s not coming in because she doesn’t want him to work on Christmas. He is a 35-year-old man, and he’s married with kids. Reddit user: mrtatulas
A girl who had worked at my store a few years ago returned when we needed new cashiers. After just a handful of weeks working with us, doing a great job and being very friendly I might add, she started calling in saying she couldn’t get to work because her car was broken down.
A List of Favorites
And it wouldn’t be fixed until, conveniently, the hour after her shift would have ended. She did this for two shifts in a row. For the third attempt, the store manager offered to drive the girl to work! The store manager rarely gets days off and often has to come in and pick up everybody’s slack….
But she was offering to go out of her way to drive this girl to work. Of course, the girl never responded to that offer, and we didn’t hear from her after that. Reddit user: gomzoo
Some of my favorites when I was a manager: One, “I can’t come in today cause it’s too windy and I can’t drive my car.” Two, “I can’t come in today because my cell phone broke and I need to go buy a new one (I’m calling from my friend’s phone)….”
Because of a Dream
Three, “I can’t come in because I missed the bus and being an hour late won’t be worth the money I’d make being there on time.” And four, “I can’t come in today because my work pants ripped and I don’t have any other pairs.” Me: “You can just wear normal pants today.” Him: “No, no, that wouldn’t be professional or fair to you.” Reddit user: ammobox
I saw a pitiful but very funny excuse in my LinkedIn feed where a guy cancelled all his meetings for a day because he’d had a dream that there would be a car crash on the motorway that day. Imagine getting that call. “So you’re not coming in because there’s been a crash?”
Excuses from Another Land
Photo: creativecommons.org/Socialdemokrater
Followed by the questions, “Where? Was anyone hurt? What did you mean there’s not actually been one? A dream!?” Okay then. Reddit user: DMCTw3lv3
I worked in a call center doing workforce management, and we would enter absences in our system. The ones from India were the craziest of them all (due to translation or whatever). A relative expired (they meant died) or they missed the bus (there was only a morning bus and evening bus for their community).
Too Far to Walk
Something to do with animals was a common one too (a tiger or elephant ran through the village). There were others that I don’t remember, but they were all very interesting. Reddit user: hunkydorey_ca
I had a guy who lived within eyeshot of the business; you could look out the front door and see his house. He called in because his car wasn’t working. At first, we assumed that he was stuck somewhere with a broken car, but a few minutes later, another employee pointed out that he was currently out front working on it.
Broken and Needs to Be Fixed
I still don’t know if he just genuinely did not want to walk to work or he thought that a 3-minute walk was too far on foot. Reddit user: Dafuzz
I’m not a manager, but I have heard lots of excuses that have made me and my co-workers (and boss) laugh quite often or some that are just super messed up in general. But this one so far really takes the cake. We have a really religious cook that works with us; not judging that part, but it’s relevant.
Tired Because of a Scary Movie
One day, she found out that one of the other cooks was an atheist and called out the next day, saying she refused to come back in because that cook was ‘broken’ and needed to be ‘fixed.’ She continued by saying that until she was ‘fixed,’ she wanted vacation pay. She’s still not back but calls every day to ask if the other cook is ‘fixed’ yet. Reddit user: Loves_me_tacos125
We had an 18-year-old working with us just doing odd data input stuff. He was the manager’s son and pretty lazy. One day he called in sick because he was too tired. The reason he was too tired was because he’d watched a scary movie the night before and couldn’t get to sleep.
Planning Ahead
It was the most ridiculous thing that we had ever heard, and we found it unbelievable. Luckily his dad wasn’t up for his nonsense, and he was fired. Reddit user: RosieEmily
I once had an intern text me at 9 pm on Thursday to tell me that they were sick and couldn’t make it in on Friday. I knew she was going out that night and was probably going to indulge in more than a few drinks, because I overheard a conversation she had.
Sick…at the Pub
I told her that just as a heads up, it’s usually best to call in sick the morning OF and not preemptively. Reddit user: DrChimp
At my first summer job when I was 16, there was one guy who would call in sick constantly. I mean all the time, to the point that if someone else at the plant needed something from him, they’d just call his favorite pub and ask them to hand the phone over to Bob.
When Honesty Wasn’t the Best Policy
“Hey, I know you’re sick at home, but I can’t find the….” It still cracks me up to this day how he managed to never get in trouble for it. Reddit user: eccentric_circle
There was a girl who didn’t show up, and we couldn’t get a hold of her. Anyone who’s worked in a restaurant knows this is annoyingly common, so we just basically washed our hands of her. She came in two days later apologizing and begging, saying she really needed this job.
Waiting on a Priest
I asked her why she hadn’t shown up (she had a kid, so she might have had a good reason not to come in). She told me that she had one of the most irresponsible weekends of her life. She even reeked of it, so as politely as I could, I told her she was already replaced. Reddit user: Renegade5151
I’m usually impressed if my workers bother to make up an excuse, but I’ve heard a lot of dumb and utterly nonsensical crap in my life before. The best was from a cook who “got saved” one Sunday and told me he was waiting to hear from his new preacher if it was ok to work at a bar.
Lots of Deaths in the Family
He threatened to sue me for religious discrimination when I told him not to bother. Nothing ended up happening where that was concerned. Reddit user: [redacted]
A friend of mine used to use the old “my nan/grandad passed away” trick. He ran out of grandparents to lie about fairly quickly, but the whole while, he’d been dropping hints as to his huge Polish Catholic family, so it wasn’t long before he could start using great uncles and aunts.
Computer Troubles
It was hilarious watching him make up dead people for every hangover. What was crazier is that his managers kept believing it. Reddit user: beauceronblues
One of my employees once said that his computer wasn’t working, so he couldn’t do his shift. He told me this over a video chat using software only installed on his “non-working” computer. I said, “Sorry to hear! But what computer? This one is fine.” And I waited, smiling silently, as he went beet red.
The “Puttle”
He tried to play it off as “I was sleep-deprived and must have tried using an old laptop haha gee it’s like losing your glasses on your head!” Yes, hilarious. Reddit user: Ladyughsalot1
Oh man! There was this kid the last general manager had hired. He was only about 17 and had an extensive gang history, but he always talked about wanting a better life. He was also just dumb as rocks. He constantly tried to call out when he was hungover or some random thing made him not want to come in….
A Mental Snap
The best, by far, was when he texted me that it had been raining and there was a huge “puttle” outside his house that he couldn’t get by. I informed him that was not an acceptable reason to miss a shift, and he texted back. He said that he would get so wet if he tried to get past the “puttle” that he’d “be too wet to work.” He didn’t last very long at all with the company. Reddit user: Bobsmyunclesuncle
A girl didn’t show, and we couldn’t get a hold of her. She finally called two hours later and said she sort of had a mental snap (yes, she literally said she had mentally snapped), took her two kids, and left town. She was 4 hours away when she called. And when I say took her kids, I mean it literally.
She didn’t have full custody of her kids (she was lucky the dad was a deadbeat and didn’t care, otherwise she could have been charged). She then told us she didn’t know if she was ever coming back. So obviously, she was fired; we considered it a no call no show.
She came back to town 3 weeks later and was shocked she no longer had a job. She claimed we had no right to fire her and threatened to call the labor board. Reddit user: Renegade5151