Dem Skittles
Working in a hospital is not an easy job. People never really go to these places for good news, so it’s easy to understand the strain that doctors and nurses have to go through day in and day out. Sometimes, however, the job has its perk. Every now and then, you can’t help but chuckle at the patients that come in.
The medical professionals in our stories today have seen it all, from people not being able to describe what’s going on with them to those who describe it a little too vividly. And they could not hold in their laughter when these strange but hilarious cases rolled through the door. The good news? They’re willing to let us in on these goofy moments.
If you’d like to read about some of the funniest and craziest things doctors and nurses have seen in their time on the job, just stick around.
Stick to the First Story
I was working in triage, where we check patients in, when a mid-30s woman came up trying to explain her symptoms. She kind of leaned over and whispered, “I got dem skittles down there. You know? I hooked up with a guy and got dem skittles.” As I’m trying to see if she’s serious, trying not to laugh, she says she has to go to the bathroom.
I’m boggled and just more or less like, “What on earth does that even mean? Skittles in her… never mind.” My coworker came up to me to relay something while skittles lady came back from the bathroom and said, “Never mind, don’t have to worry about dem skittles, they gone.”
And she walked out of the ER, leaving me there while I’m trying not to bust out laughing. My coworker looked horrified. Another day in triage. Reddit user: MechanicalNurse
Liar, Liar, Something’s on Fire
This happened before I got into medical school. I was volunteering in the ER a few days out of the week. I walked in one night, and a tech was scrubbing a guy with road rash down his arm, his body, and his leg. It looked really painful, and I asked the patient what happened.
“I was on my Harley, and I was being chased by the cops. I went around a corner, hit some gravel, and laid my bike down.” I noticed the man’s wife in the corner of the room roll her eyes. “How does that story sound?” He asked. “Sounds great,” I said. “What really happened?”
“I was on my scooter going downhill and I fell off.” The wife sighed, “Stick with the first story.” Reddit user: angmarsilar
The Urine Pregnancy
I don’t work in the ER but rather a sleep medicine clinic. I had a patient come in complaining that his CPAP was giving him a rash around his mouth and bumps on his tongue. Rash? I’ve heard that before, very common. Bumps on the tongue? That was definitely a new one.
He brought in his machine with him, so I took a look at his mask, which seemed to be new. I discussed his hygienic care of the machine and he admitted he’s never washed out the humidifier or tubing, as he doesn’t use the humidity setting and so figured he didn’t need to.
I open up the humidifier part and out falls a DEAD STINKING RAT. I screamed like a little girl, and a few nurses jumped into action and cleaned everything up. Reddit user: Sanfranshan
Not Meant to Be Eaten
I have a friend that works in a doctor’s office in Amish country in Pennsylvania. They had an Amish couple come in one time, very sad and defeated, saying that the wife just couldn’t get pregnant, no matter how much they tried. They ran a couple tests, and everything was coming up normal.
So, then they gave him a cup and asked him for a sample. He came back with it full of his urine. He had been peeing in his wife, thinking that is how you impregnate someone. Reddit user: tug-speedman
The Best What?
We had one woman come back, and her chief complaint was constipation. Going into her chart, I saw that she had been previously given some suppositories to take, and in the triage note, she said her meds weren’t working and she wanted some different ones. The doctor asked questions, making sure nothing else is wrong, and they get to the part about the meds.
She says, “Well yeah, the pills I got last time were huge! I have to break them in half to swallow them!” And then we had to explain that suppositories are not meant to be eaten, and that was why her medication was not relieving her symptoms. She thought Suppository was the name of the medication, like Tylenol is for acetaminophen.
I still can’t forget the doctor explaining to her how to actually use her medication. Hopefully she got it right that time. Reddit user: mamblepamble
The Tale of Lord Molar
Surgeon here. Was doing varicose veins surgery on a very posh middle-aged lady. Very cut class accent. There was an anesthetic that we used that sometimes induced some hallucinations either going under or coming out of anesthesia. So we ended up hearing some funny things from more than a few patients.
The team was around waiting for her to wake up and gag a little on the tube in her throat (for breathing) so we knew it was time to remove it. She gagged, we removed the tube, then she smacked her lips and said loudly (and still a bit groggily), in her incredible accent….
“That’s the best bit of man parts I have had in years!” The whole recovery room just fell about laughing. Luckily she didn’t remember it. Reddit user: DrWYSIWYG
What Year Is It?
When I came around from having my wisdom teeth pulled, I apparently shot up, looked at the doctor, and said, “Charlatan! I demand you return my teeth! They are mine and I will choose where they are to be spent!” My dad said he couldn’t stop laughing because I wouldn’t leave without them.
When I woke up at home, I asked my dad why my teeth were in a plastic bag on the table; he told me everything and started calling me Lord Molar for the rest of the night. Reddit user: CrossFox42
Forgetting the Lyrics
I asked a female patient with dementia what year it was. It was part of our treatment to see whether they knew what was going on at present or not. She said, “Oh, my, no, that’s far too personal to discuss in polite company. A nice young lady like you shouldn’t be concerned with such things.”
I didn’t bother pointing out that I’m not a lady. I figured if she didn’t notice the beard, then she wasn’t going to understand an explanation either. Reddit user: [redacted]
It’s Not What You Think
This homeless dude comes in after being hit by a car. His CT shows he has a pretty significant head bleed. He’s already inebriated, so this guy’s just having a great time. We get him undressed and start trying to clean up when he bursts into song: “YOOU AAARE SOOO BEAUTIFUL!” He kept going on for half an hour, but he made it 10 times better when a female nurse came in to help.
He immediately stops singing and goes, “Hang on… I forgot the second verse.” Then goes right back to the same part he’s been singing. That’s probably the hardest I’ve tried to not laugh in my life. Reddit user: SourHyperion1
With the Force to Take Out a Bear
Was triaging a patient and going through the usual questions. I asked him if he was moving his bowels alright when he abruptly got up and closed the door to the triage room. He said, “Well, that’s sorta why I’m here.” I nodded and said, “Ok, why are you here today?” He replied, “I have an object stuck in my rectum.”
I said, “I see, and what is it?” He flatly stated, “A wooden dowel.” He spread his hands apart by about 18 inches and said “it’s this long” and then curled his fist into a circle about 3 inches in diameter and said “it’s this round.” I nodded, and he looked directly into my eyes and said, “You probably think this is some kind of perverted thing, don’t you?”
In a deadpan voice, I replied, “I don’t think sir, I only write.” This is about 9 pm. I asked him, “When did this object become lodged in you?” He said, “Yesterday around 3 pm.” The guy had spent over 24 hours trying to get this piece of lumber out of his behind!
One of the triage questions was “who are you accompanied by?” When I asked him that, he said, “My brother. There are just some things you need to confide with your brother about.” I was thinking to myself that had this been me, I would have driven to West Virginia, checked in under the name John Smith, and paid in cash before I told my brother.
Long story short, he needed to have surgery to remove the object. Moral of the story, if you’re going to put something there, use a lanyard so that you can retrieve it! Reddit user: Ezra Steel
Nelson Lives There
I was a volunteer transporter at this time, and I had just finished moving a patient to the CT scan room. I heard an announcement that said, “Code Security, CT scan hallway.” I peek my head out of the room, and flying past me is a very young teenager sprinting down the hall, flailing his arms and screeching. He gets to the end of the hallway and out of nowhere, an absolutely massive security guard spears this kid with enough force to take out a bear.
It happened so quickly that I just started losing it laughing. Found out later the kid was tripping and had escaped from the emergency department. Reddit user: Uptown Shenanigans
For the Love of Cake
My favorite ever story from a colleague is when a patient comes into A&E with abdominal pain. As part of the work up, he gets an abdominal X-ray, which shows the problem as clear as day. The colleague then proceeds to remove something from the patient’s body that he had placed inside, and not through his mouth.
It was an 8-inch replica of Nelson’s Column (the statue in the center of Trafalgar Square, London). On showing it to the patient, the response was, “Oh that’s Nelson, he lives up there.” Reddit user: AberrantConductor
Tight Pants And a Pepperoni
I’m an EMT. This was my last day of training. I responded to a life alert call. This could have been anything; firefighters get there first and we get no updates, so we take everything from the truck just in case. We get into the apartment and there are firefighters frantically running around the kitchen that was surrounded by a baby gate.
We see the patient, and she looks fine just sitting in a wheelchair talking to the firefighters. We ask what is going on. A firefighter says to us that miss life alert is not allowed in the kitchen because she almost burned the house down, so that’s why there’s a baby gate to block her in.
She lives with her son and he’s working today. So miss life alert wanted a piece of cake but couldn’t get to the kitchen, so she thought the most logical way of getting to it was to press her life alert button so that the firefighters or other emergency responders could get it for her.
So I’m standing there “learning” and seeing the firefighters ask if she wanted ice tea with her cake and slicing it for her. I ask my field training officer what I write in the report. He says to me “just say we were canceled by fire.” Reddit user: senorspielbergo-
Someone to See You
Heard this story from a nurse friend. Some guy was dancing in skin-tight leather pants at the opening of a new nightclub in a nearby small city. It was hot inside with the huge crowd. The guy fainted from the heat and was taken to the ER, where his pants were cut off. This revealed that the guy had a length of pepperoni in his crotch, taped to his thigh.
The ER staff got the giggles and left his room to laugh in the hallway. At some point, one of them said something like, “We’ve got to get back in there and deal with an unconscious patient.” Reddit user: Swedishpunsch
Stop Being a Witch
Not a doctor or nurse but a firefighter. Got a call and the guy was DOA (dead on arrival); he died sitting on his couch. We’re all hanging around waiting for the ME to show up, and one of the guys I’m working with, an old salty firefighter, gets tired of standing around, so he sits down on the couch next to the body.
An EMT walks in to tell us that a family member just showed up; the guy on the couch slaps the body on the shoulder and says, “Hey, people here to see you.” Reddit user: Gnarbuttah
Couldn’t Get It Out
I’m an EMT, so I go to ERs a lot, naturally. There’s a frequent flyer in my town called Pete. Pete can be either very nice or he hates you. He’s nice to me, thankfully. He tends to have a problem with female EMTs or nurses. One time, he gets brought in by another unit one day, and he’s angry at the girl on the unit.
He says, “You need to stop that” angrily. “Stop what?” she asks. He replies, “Bein’ a witch” in his New York-type accent. I was rolling. Pete’s funny, he’s full of em. Reddit user: mdragon13
The Water Allergy
I was an evening/overnight admissions clerk for a small ER from 2009-2011. I once had a couple come in late at night into a relatively slow ER and tell me they needed to be seen right away. Our ER was one of two in our city, and the other ER was a high trauma center, so they were far busier than us.
I ring my triage nurse bell and they go into the glass triage room with a nurse. The guy won’t sit down, and the woman is pacing, trying to hide her smile. I see the nurse’s face go from serious to also trying to hold back a smile. The guy is furious and not amused at all.
The nurse then brings me the triage forms, and I start to register the patient. He still won’t sit down, and I always have to ask if it was accident-related and when the accident occurred. The woman lost her mind. She just started laughing hysterically, and that’s when I heard this buzzing noise.
At that moment, I looked at the triage form again. I usually didn’t read the actual triage reason for visits, as it was time-consuming and I was expected to register in under 2 minutes per patient. If it was an immediate emergent concern, the nurse would room the patient immediately and bypass the registration process. As I read, I see this guy has something stuck inside him. He and his wife were messing around, and apparently she shoved something up but couldn’t get it back out.
He wouldn’t sit because of obvious discomfort. I believe they actually had to call in the surgical crew to get it out, but my shift was up before any of them arrived. Reddit user: HilmDana
Not Doing It Correctly
RN here. I see some crazy stuff, but one thing that stands out was the time I was admitting a guy to the hospital. I can’t really remember what for, but he was about 400lbs, diabetic, heart disease, you name it. Anyhow, I’m at the computer going over some admission questions with him and his 10 family members who are crowded in the room with him.
A few minutes in, he starts complaining that he’s thirsty. He needs something to drink RIGHT NOW. So, I get on my phone and call the nurse assistant and ask her to bring in some ice water. As soon as the words are out of my mouth the whole family screams, “NOOOO! NO WATER! HE’S ALLERGIC TO WATER!”
Well this is gonna be a problem. Turns out the guy had been drinking nothing but Sprite and sweet tea for years because of his “water allergy.” Reddit user: jsellars8
Meet Your Uvulas
I just got this hilarious but sad story from my girlfriend’s step-dad, who is a neurosurgeon. He had an OBGYN friend at the hospital where he worked who had a couple who couldn’t get pregnant. They had been trying for years before finally coming in to be checked to find out what was wrong.
Apparently, they had been raised in some religious society and didn’t understand how the act worked. The guy was just rubbing his man parts against her leg and her thigh. Reddit user: [redacted]
A Really Deep Itch
I am an ER doc. I once had a 20-year-old and his girlfriend come in at 2 am freaking out because “something had torn his throat open.” He seemed fine. No blood. Breathing fine. I had him open his mouth, saw nothing. But I didn’t want him to lose confidence in me; clearly something had happened.
So I’m looking and looking….there’s nothing wrong with this kid’s throat. Finally, I say look, it seems ok, but what do you feel or see? “I don’t feel it but LOOK, IT’S RIGHT THERE.” Looking, looking. It was his uvula. Somehow this kid had gotten to the age of 20 without ever noticing his uvula.
His girlfriend was also horrified. I told them it was normal. They did not believe me. So, I told them I was about to blow their minds and showed him his girlfriend’s uvula. Reddit user: Hathathn
Birth Control for Two
I once saw a high school-aged kid come in with a dinner candle stuck in his rectum. He reportedly was using it to reach an itch. Apparently, the itch was in his spleen, because that thing was deep. Mom told me the story and how she had previously asked him not to itch himself with other things of hers.
I didn’t ask for any more details. I honestly think she believed that he was just really itchy. I let her believe it and hoped they wouldn’t come in again. Reddit user: Smeeee
Allergic to Oxygen
One day in the pharmacy, a girl comes to the counter requesting a refill for her birth control. We pulled up her profile and realized we couldn’t refill it because she just got a 28-day fill less than 2 weeks ago. When we asked what happened to the other one, she said she was out.
Apparently, both she and her boyfriend were each taking a pill and were adamant that was how they needed to prevent pregnancy. Reddit user: StrutThatCorgiButt
Amputations Run in the Family
Nurse here, I work in anesthetics, and it drives me mad the number of patients that want to have allergies. Like saying antibiotics give them the runs; err no, that’s a side effect. Anyway, the anesthetist comes into the anesthetic room one morning and asks me not to ask the patient about allergies.
I’m puzzled at this and ask her why. She then told me that the patient was allergic to oxygen. Yes, oxygen. She was a fun patient. Reddit user: sevo1977
Too Many Space Cakes
I’ve had a patient claim that amputations run in his family. Yes, you read that right; amputations were basically hereditary in his family. He said that was the only reason he needed both legs taken off above the knee. He was adamant that it was not actually due to his uncontrolled diabetes….
Or his enormous and continual sugar intake, his refusal to use insulin, or his refusal of treatment for the giant infected wounds on both feet. Reddit user: auraseer
Fix Her Daughter’s What?
An older lady was brought into the ED barely conscious by her husband. In a very thick Italian accent, she told the doctor she was dying. She had complained of feeling tingly and having a dry mouth prior to passing out. The doctor sat the husband down and they did a history.
No serious medical problems, and she was very fit. In fact, she spent the morning cleaning her son’s bar, as she often did on a Sunday morning. Considering her age, they took these symptoms very seriously and begun running tests to find the source of her ailments.
The son came in to visit his mother, and on the way, he bypassed his bar. He noticed that his mother had helped herself to some of the ‘treats’ prepared the night before. The son, the apple of his parents’ eye, had to then explain to his father and the doctor that the treats she had enjoyed were space cakes.
And apparently she really enjoyed them, as she ate quite a few. They then had to sit down and tell this elderly lady that she was not dying, just high. Reddit user: undertheraduh
Something to Make Him Taller
I once had a female patient who was very special. Her mom asked me to adjust her scrotum. Trying not to burst out laughing, I said, “Your daughter’s scrotum?” She acted like I was stupid and pointed to the back of her neck. At this point, I had to cover my mouth with the clipboard.
I knew she wouldn’t listen, as she was so convinced, so I stopped arguing with her. And I also wanted her to go around saying it to other people. Reddit user: Laceface_12
A Missing Ingredient
It was 3 am, and I’d been on duty in the emergency room since 8 am. I was exhausted. A well-dressed man came in with his 8-year-old, healthy-looking son. I asked him what the problem was. He said, “Well, I was at a wedding, and it occurred to me that my son is a little short.
Can you give him something right now to make him taller?” Nothing, in my entire career as a doctor, has rendered me speechless except for this man and his request. Reddit user: [redacted]
Baby Loves Coffee
While I am a doctor, this happened to my wife, also a doctor. A female patient came in complaining of infertility. Said she and her partner had been trying to conceive for like five years and had “tried everything.” At one point she let the pronoun slip “she and I…” and my wife said, “Wait, let’s back up a minute.”
It turns out the woman had been in a hetero (a male-female couple) relationship for a few years and never got pregnant despite using no protection. She then entered a same-sex relationship and again never got pregnant even though she really wanted to, leading her to believe she was infertile.
When my wife tried to explain that conception requires sperm (sourced from a male) as well as an egg, the patient was incredulous and exclaimed that she “didn’t need a man” and didn’t like being judged. Reddit user: ppmmd
A Husband with Cervicitis
A woman came in for a baby check with her 6-month-old, and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby’s bottle. I was shocked because the child wasn’t even a year old yet and she was already giving him chocolate milk. So, I started explaining to her as kindly as I could that she shouldn’t be giving her baby chocolate milk.
At which point she interrupts me and says, “Oh, that isn’t chocolate milk. It’s coffee! He just loves it!” I had to sit down when I heard her. Reddit user: GJenkss
The Wrong Spray
I explained to a patient that she suffered from inflammation of the cervix. I had to run some tests to know what was causing it, but I was sure that’s what was wrong. Concerned, the patient demanded that I (the doctor) test her husband for cervix problems too. I assured her, “I’m positive your husband does not have cervicitis.”
She shot back, “How do you know? You haven’t examined him yet.” I had to explain to her that men did not have cervixes. Reddit user: RoianneLope
Wash and Reuse
A woman had a gynecologist appointment one afternoon. Before leaving home, she used a little feminine deodorant spray, just in case. She gets to her appointment and is assisted into the stirrups for her pelvic exam. The doc takes a quick look and says, “My, my, my, aren’t we fancy today!”
She had not used her feminine deodorant spray like she thought; she had instead accidentally used her daughter’s glitter hairspray. And now she had a very decorated and glitterific private area. Reddit user: [redacted]
Clara Fication
I had a patient come in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to tell me that she only had one partner. Progressing through my assessment, she further divulged that even if he was sleeping with other people, it shouldn’t matter “because he uses protection every time and makes sure to wash it thoroughly after every use.”
I asked what she meant when she said he washes it after every use. She explained that he washed the contraceptive with hot water and soap before he used it again. Reddit user: [redacted]
The Wrong Place
A gentleman calls our office with questions about an upcoming test he is scheduled for, and we talk at length about the procedure, including exactly what will happen at each step. I even answer the weird questions that he has, just to put him at ease. Then he says, “I’m sorry to have so many questions.”
“Oh, that’s no problem. You can always call and ask for clarification when you need it.” He proceeds by saying, “Thank you very much, Clara Fication! You’ve been very helpful.” Reddit user: [redacted]
Right Thing, Wrong Use
Not a doctor, but I’m a former Special Forces medic, and I treated indigenous populations in Iraq, Afghanistan, and several other Middle Eastern countries. Some of the patients and their families asked me to do the incredible (things I needed magic to perform), such as putting someone’s organs in a certain place.
But I have never been as incredulous as when I had to explain “wrong hole” to a very old tribal elder who was wondering why he couldn’t father any children. Reddit user: FederalFarmerHM
Permanent Contacts
Got placed doing a rotation in the orthopedic floor of a big hospital in a rural area of Southern California. I was doing my rounds and saw a patient out of bed and walking around the floor following a knee replacement. She had a cane in her hand that she was carrying like a solider would carry a weapon.
I asked what she was doing and what she thought the cane was for. She replied she thought the cane was for pushing people out of her way since she’s now “handicapped” and that it wasn’t to help her walk on her post-op knee. Reddit user: [redacted]
Using It Correctly
I worked at the ER during my internship and met a girl who had increasingly painful and red eyes since a couple of days back. The last 24 hours had been horrible. I asked about all the normal stuff, and she claimed to have no idea why she had this eye problem; she had never had anything wrong with her eyes.
I proceed to drop some dye in her eyes to check them in a microscope, and when I do, I realize she’s wearing contacts. She didn’t like her natural eye color, so she had bought a set of blue colored lenses 8 months earlier. She never removed them, not even during night-time.
And she didn’t even think to mention this to me, claiming to have no “foreign materials” in her eyes. Needless to say, I gave her quite the harsh lecture and a referral to an ophthalmologist. Reddit user: [redacted]
It Seemed Like the Best Option
There was one patient who was very upset to find out that she was pregnant again because she’d used her diaphragm EXACTLY as she’d been told. She carefully inspected it for holes, applied the spermicide, placed it, wore it at night, then took it out, cleaned it, and put it away each morning….
And then her husband would arrive home from his night shift. What was I supposed to say to that? Reddit user: Anitsisqua
We Know What We’re Talking About
I work in the emergency room. We had a very pregnant patient come in needing stitches in her feminine area. Turns out she was a realtor and didn’t want her water to break while she was showing a house, so she put a glass cup in her pants to catch the water.
Instead of using a pad or an adult diaper, she went for a GLASS CUP. She sat down while showing a house and sure enough, it broke and cut her up pretty bad. Reddit user: lmao_turkey
The Urine Dance
Doctor here. One we get commonly is “I know my body.” Scoped a guy with knee pain; the joint looked perfect. I told him after the surgery, and he told us, “No, my tendons are all torn. I know my body.” I told a lady she was pregnant. “No, I’m not. I just had a big lunch. I know my body.” Absolutely, when something doesn’t feel right and your doctor doesn’t want to listen, seek a second opinion. You know how your body normally feels.
But if someone has performed an invasive surgery to look at your joint or has seen a fetus on ultrasound, they probably know what they are talking about. Reddit user: [redacted]
Not a doctor but a nurse. I once walked into my patient’s room responding to his call light. He had an accident and peed on the floor on the way to the bathroom and was now lying in bed, stark naked, calling for me. His wife, I guess oblivious to all this, was just dancing in the pee.
Like eyes closed, hands over her head, hips swaying. In a puddle of her husband’s urine. I have never seen anything like it. They were really a bizarre couple. Reddit user: Elephantcookies