Did You Check the Couch?
We all know deep down that even our own children can be a little monstrous at times. These adorable little humans will do and say the craziest things, which are not limited to inappropriately funny jabs in restaurants and leaving piles of poop for their grandmothers to find. And that’s not even the half of it….
If these little kiddy outbursts are something you find hilarious (because we sure do), please keep reading. We’ve gathered the best stories parents had to offer.
I was walking through the capitol building with my then four-year-old son when a man on crutches with one amputated leg got into the same elevator as us. My son said, in a gentle whisper, “Mom, what happened to his leg?” The man heard him and kindly said that he lost his leg a year ago.
Practicing
My son didn’t miss a beat and said, “Did you check between the couch cushions? My mom says she always loses stuff there.” I was appalled. The man was laughing so hard he was crying. Reddit user: mainlyforshow
One day, the girl I babysat was playing with her dolls, and she ripped the head off of one and put it in a box. I looked inside the box, and there were a whole bunch of stray heads in there. I asked her what she was doing this for and she replied, “Practicing.”
The Cheeto Garland
I was so freaked out that I didn’t know what to say, and I stayed away from her for the rest of our session. I never babysat her again. Reddit user: theofficialmistake
When my son was around 6, I was cleaning his room one day and came upon a very big ball of thread, inside of a sock, intermingled with Cheetos. I unraveled it and discovered he had tied the Cheetos at intervals along the thread, creating a kind of Cheetos garland.
Who Will He Marry?
I asked him about it, and he said he was going to try and eat them one at a time, and then poop the string out and floss himself. Flawless logic. Reddit user: [redacted]
When my oldest was 5, I was pregnant. I found out I was having a boy, and we excitedly told him he was having a brother. He started crying. Like, full on sobbing. Through the tears, he asked, “If you have a boy, who will I marry when I grow up?”
Did Ya Eat Them?
It took a minute or two for what he said to sink in, and then my husband and I looked at each other in horror. We had to explain a lot of things that day. Reddit user: katikaboom
So, on the very first day of a new preschool we were taking my son to, we met one of the ladies who worked there who was enormously pregnant. And my son could NOT take his eyes off of her giant protruding belly. She, of course, noticed him gawking at her midsection….
Can I See Your Tail?
So she smiled and said to him, “I have twins in here!” while she was patting her belly. He said without skipping a beat, “Did ya eat ’em?!” Reddit user: [redacted]
We went to a restaurant after my daughter (4 at the time) had accidentally walked in on her father peeing. He had explained to her that all men had a “tail” and women didn’t. She asked the waiter at the restaurant if she could compare his “tail” to her father’s. I never turned so beat red in my entire life.
Don’t Forget the Hookers, Dad!
When I told my daughter that wasn’t polite, she asked the waiter if she could go into the bathroom with him if he was more comfortable that way. We ended up paying for our drinks and getting out ASAP. Reddit user: [redacted]
When my son was four, he used to hook bungee cords to his bike and pull a wagon. He called them ‘hookers’ instead of bungee cords, because well, I assume it was easier to say. One day we’re in the hardware store and he shouts out, “Hey dad! Don’t forget we need to pick up some hookers!”
The Taylor Swift Moment
I’ll never forget the looks on those people’s faces when they heard what he said. It was both awesome and mortifying at the same time. Reddit user: [redacted]
My 2-year-old sister sang a Taylor Swift song during a funeral. It was actually pretty awesome. My great-grandmother passed away, and the pastor mentioned something in a prayer about how we go through so many troubles in life. My sister picked up on the word “trouble” and started her singing….
The Triple, No, Double B
“OH! OHHHHHH! TROUBLE, TROUBLE, TROUBLE” in the middle of a dead-silent church. It was some much-needed comedic relief. Reddit user: [redacted]
My son was in a restaurant eating chicken wings when he discovered the wing he was eating had three bones instead of the usual two. He stood up on his chair all excited, declaring he had a “triple boner,” before sitting back down. A few seconds later, he discovered he had been wrong, and the wing actually just had two.
Look, a Pirate!
In order to correct his previous announcement to the rest of the restaurant, he stood up again, this time saying, “I was mistaken, it’s just a double boner.” Reddit user: [redacted]
This is my favorite story. My son was three, and we were in the grocery store. I was pushing him in the cart when he sees a lady with a black eye patch. Of course, the next words out of his mouth are, “Look mommy, a pirate! Arrrrrrrr!” as he made a hook with his index finger.
The Disclaimer
The lady was not amused, but another woman walking the opposite direction thought it was hilarious and busted out laughing. My boy was pretty proud of himself for finding a “pirate.” Reddit user: aeonfluxinflux
When my brother was about four years old, he pointed to an old woman he had seen in the supermarket and loudly exclaimed, “SHE’S GOT GRAY HAIR SO SHE’S GOING TO DIE SOON.” The woman smiled kindly but walked away as fast as she could. Other people within earshot found it hilarious.
She Drinks from Where?
He also told a woman with a septum piercing that she looked like a daddy cow with a ring. Four was quite the year for us all. Reddit user: Mandragoria
For about a month after my daughter was born, my son (who was three and a half years old) would introduce us by saying, “This is my mommy, and this is my daddy, and this is my baby sister.” But he also gave a shocking disclaimer afterwards: one that had us all speechless.
What for Sale?
“She drinks BREAST MILK FROM MOMMY. HAHAHAHAHAHA!” Yes, he would actually yell that last part. Reddit user: Draxom
Sitting in church during the sermon. All is quiet. My brother (about 4 years old at the time) grabs my mom’s shirt and yanks it down so her chest is way out there, grabs one side, and yells at the top of his lungs “FOR SALE! FOR SALE!” talking about her chest area.
The Grumpy Old Troll
My mom had to wrestle him out of the church, trying desperately to keep her shirt up while he continued to sell her chest to the congregation. Reddit user: itsmemj
My daughter (three years old at the time) was sitting in a buggy at the grocery store when she saw an old lady behind us. She shrieked and grabbed my shirt and said, “Look dad, it’s a grumpy old troll!” Something she picked up from Dora the Explorer. The lady was not amused.
A Larger One Than Yours
I tried very hard not to laugh as I asked my daughter to apologize to the lady who was not a troll. Though to be fair, she did look exceptionally grumpy. Reddit user: [redacted]
My 6-year-old stepson and I are in the queue to check out in the grocery store. It is midday on a very crowded Saturday afternoon. My stepson, a beautiful lad, very slight of frame, blond-haired, blue-eyed, very “Nordic” in looks. I am quite tall, large-framed, dark hair, dark eyes, American Indian by heritage. My point is that we look nothing alike.
My stepson, whose father is in the picture, calls me by my first name, not Dad. As I am laying the groceries on the checkout conveyor, my stepson eyes one of the ‘Muscle and Fitness’ type magazines in the rack and proclaims, in what has got to be the most angelic, sing-song voice, “Ken, that guy has a much larger [you-know-what] than you do.”
Why Is There Hair There?
The air just went right out of the entire check-out area. I was flustered, didn’t know what to say, and managed to respond, “Um…. wha… ok… why do you say that?” He pointed to the magazine and said, “Look, his underpants are much smaller than the underpants that you wear.” My face at this point had turned 20 shades of red; I could not make eye contact with anyone around us.
I managed to force a laugh and say, “Well you’ll have to be sure to tell your mom about your underpants size theory later.” My stepson just sort of shrugged it off and said, “She already knows, she’s pretty smart.” Reddit user: [redacted]
Once when I was in the shower, my four-year-old yanked the curtain open and asked me why I had hair on my junk. When I tried to tell him that I don’t have junk because I’m female, he asked me if it was my butt. Try explaining that girls don’t have front butts or junk while standing naked in the shower with the door wide open.
A Game of Pretend
Finally, I just told him he’d have hair on his butt one day, and he cried and ran away. Problem solved. Reddit user: ceose
Kids say and do the craziest things, and my nearly one-year-old is one of them. He likes to pretend to poop just so I can give him attention. The way he does it is that he squats and starts to grunt really loudly, sometimes outrageously loud, just so I can look at him.
Goodbye Earrings
I’m usually really good at ignoring him and his little butt, but I can’t help but laugh when he overexaggerates. Reddit user: Hailcthulhu8
I was in the process of training my two and a half-year-old daughter to use the potty. She wanted to poop one day but asked for “privacy” and I obliged (I mean, what else could I do?). She then told me she didn’t need to be wiped. I was confused, so I asked her what she used….
Dodging Mom
She proceeded to show me a hand towel, a blanket, and a rain boot! Part of me found this absolutely hilarious while the other part knew it was a mess I had to take care of. Reddit user: [redacted]
My son is one of those kids who runs everywhere, so on the way to the mall, I put a backpack leash on him: something I swore I’d never do until I realized how stealthy he was. We were in a store when he went into a revolving rack. I kept tugging and calling his name, but he didn’t answer….
A Case of TMI
The sneaky little fox had attached his backpack to the center of the rack and was eating fries at the Old County Buffet next door. Reddit user: [redacted]
My four-year-old son has the biggest, most embarrassing crush on his pediatrician. It’s something me and his dad are aware of, but something we just can’t control! Every time we go in for a check-up and she does a physical on him, his body…physically responds. Yes, four-year-olds can get them.
The Little Fried Chicken
The worst part is that he tells her he has one, and it’s often by saying he’s “got a big wee-wee.” I really look forward to switching this next visit with his father. Reddit user: kinghawkeye8238
My daughter, who will kill me if she finds out I’m writing this, used to be a nudist at two years old. Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing, would make her leave her clothes on. She’d be naked when we were home, when we had company, and even when she was at school.
Special Pockets
One day, she took it to the next level by rolling around in baby powder she had emptied onto the floor. She then said, “Look, mom! I’m a fried chicken!” Reddit user: MissThystle
My two and a half-year-old came to me, stark naked, one day and told me that she had a toy car in her pocket. I told her she had no pockets at the moment, so she decided to show me. She bent her knees and pulled out a car that she had folded into her lady bits….
Grandma’s Little Present
I was stunned speechless for a moment. It ended with me saying (for the first of many times), “Please don’t use your lady bits as a pocket.” Reddit user: [redacted]
My son wasn’t the biggest fan of one of his grandmothers. So, when he found out that she was coming over for the weekend, he decided to leave something for her. Now I had no idea that this had happened. I only found out because I checked the room one last time before she arrived.
Just Roll With It
He pooped behind the curtains of the guest room because he said he wanted to “leave a present for when grandma comes.” I cleaned it up, punished him, told his dad, and we laughed at it that night in our bedroom. Reddit user: [redacted]
Sometimes, I’m convinced that my son doesn’t think! One of our bathrooms was out of toilet paper, so I asked him to get some from another. At first, he brought down ten sheets, because he thought that was enough for whatever I was doing at the moment, so I told him I wanted the entire roll….
Poopy Shenanigans
He came down five minutes later with the entire unrolled tube of toilet paper. I guess it’s my fault for not being specific. Reddit user: JesseTheUsher
I was giving my one-year-old a bath when he pooped in the tub. I asked my four-year-old to come supervise as I ran to get some cleaning tools. When I came back, I found the tub empty. My older child took the baby out of the tub, then grabbed the poop in his hand.
A Burp from the South
To make matters worse, he started chasing my younger son, who had pooped on the floor, stepping in it and tracking it all over the house. I got myself a drink while my husband cleaned it up. Reddit user: [redacted]
My partner and I were in the process of teaching our toddler (three years old) how to describe bodily functions when she was still young. One of the words she hadn’t learned yet was “fart.” We’d covered burping and other similar words already, because it seemed more important at the time.
Smoking Leaves
So, we really shouldn’t have been surprised when we went to dinner one day and she shouted, “I burped out of my butt!” It was pretty spot-on after all. Reddit user: SamoftheMorgan
My son and I do all sorts of fun things together, and one time, we burned holes into leaves using magnifying glasses. You know, using the rays of the sun to generate enough heat through the glass to burn a hole in it. He was so excited about it that he decided to tell everyone about it….
All About Fart Bubbles
The way he said it, however, needed some work. He proceeded to say to everyone, including his doctor, that “mom is teaching me to smoke leaves.” Reddit user: [redacted]
I have two boys who are really close in age: one is five and the other is seven. They were showering together one time (like they normally do on weekends) when I caught them butt to butt with a bar of my really expensive soap between their buns. I was shocked, to say the least, so I asked them what they were doing….
“Aww, It’s So Cute!”
The response? Fart bubbles. Of course…why should I be surprised? There goes my soap and a bit of my sanity. Reddit user: MistahZig
Being a parent is hard, and thus, I’ve let a few things go. Said things include grooming. Sure I look great to the average person, but up close and personal is another story. One day, when I got out of the shower, I saw that my daughter had crept in while I was still inside.
Not That Kind of Toy
She saw my untamed nether regions and said, “Aww, it’s so cute! It looks like a guinea pig.” The only thing I could do was laugh. Reddit user: [redacted]
My sixteen-month-old is a very curious little one who sometimes ends up getting into things she shouldn’t. I’ve caught her in the refrigerator, in the pantry, and even trying to get into our basement once. But the time that stands out was when she came out of my bedroom with her sassy little walk, sucking on something.
The Bunny Rabbit
It turned out to be my brand spanking new (never used) bedroom toy. I quickly took it from her and invested in some more serious babyproofing after that. Reddit user: [redacted]
When my four-year-old was taking too long in the bathroom, I went to check on him. You know when kids get quiet that usually means they’re up to something. I entered to find him with his pants around his ankles. When I inquired about why he was taking so long, he bent over and showed me his butt….
The Egg Obsession
A butt that happened to have toilet paper sticking out of it. He then said, “Look, mommy, I’m a bunny rabbit.” Reddit user: [redacted]
The story that always makes me chuckle was something my eldest used to do when she was three or four years old. We had very lovely neighbors who had chickens and ducks. Every time my daughter went over to visit, they let her collect some eggs and keep them. Every spring they had some chicks that she could hold.
She was very excited about this, and it was the highlight of the year when the baby chicks hatched. I could practically see the little cogs turning in her head. “Maybe I could hatch some chicks!” So instead of handing over the neighbor’s eggs, she began to hide them. She made little ‘nests’ all over the house that she planned to sit on.
For the Love of Kong
Because she also wanted to keep them secret, she covered these nests with other things. Like the living room rug. I’ll never forget walking in the living room, stepping on the rug and hearing a crunch. Imagine my delight when I lifted the rug to find four raw eggs soaking into the carpet. I never got the yellow stain out completely.
Same thing with the sofa: lean back on a cushion and hear a suspicious crunch. Egg all over the sofa seats. Put my foot inside a boot. Crunch. I obviously explained that you couldn’t just hatch an egg. It had to be done by a mummy hen or an incubator. Eventually, she got over it.
She still didn’t like eating our neighbor’s eggs. To her, they were all potential fluffy yellow chicks. Reddit user: Georgia Hilton
My 3-year-old daughter loves old monster movies. I was in the habit of putting a movie on while I cleaned the house. I put on King Kong (1933). My daughter was enthralled. She couldn’t stop screaming, “What’s that? A monster!” and she started crying…CRYING when Kong killed a dinosaur. I asked her five times if she wanted me to stop the movie and got an emphatic NO!
That Man
Since then, she’s gone on to fall in love with Ray Harryhausen films and Godzilla films. She cries her eyes out every time Mothra leaves Earth in Godzilla vs Mothra: the Battle for Earth. My wife was concerned that a 3-year-old actually enjoys crying and watching movies that make her sad or scared.
I was a weird kid myself, so my only hope is that I can convey to her that there is nothing wrong with being into things other kids aren’t, that it makes her unique and cool and interesting. Reddit user: [redacted]
My husband is a farmer, and late one night I took my 4-year-old and 2-year-old to the field to pick him up from work. Well, while we were waiting for him to finish up, my 2-year-old asked, “Mommy, who ‘dat man outside?” I responded, “I don’t see a man; is your Ken doll on the floor?”
Putting It Back Together
Then, my 4-year-old piped up and said, “He’s right outside your door, staring at you. He’s scary. He has blood on his face.” My girls are now 5 and 7 years old, and they still remember that man and refuse to go to that field. Reddit user: schuser
There was a time when my son decided to give himself a trim, as one does, and lopped a generous chunk of hair off the front of his head. When I noticed something looked off and casually asked him, he said he was working on his spinning desk chair like a mechanic, and his hair got snatched up in the works.
Dreams of a Little Brother
He then ran off to his room and tried to put the pieces of his hair that he had hidden away back on his head with tiny pieces of chewing gum sticking to his forehead. It was imperceptible. Reddit user: [redacted]
He’s not my kid, but my godson is extremely creepy. I’m pretty sure he’d become a criminal if it wasn’t for Mario Kart. He is 8. He hasn’t done as many creepy things lately; it was mostly right after his little sister was born that he had a hard time adjusting. He still says the odd weird thing here and there.
Hi!
His offhand comments are terrifying and funny at once, such as “I’m going to sell you on Kijiji” and “I’m going to sell you for a quarter and ask for change” to his sister. Reddit user: [redacted]
I checked the night-vision video monitor to make sure my 2-year-old daughter was finally asleep since I hadn’t heard any noise in a while, and I saw her standing up in her crib. She then slowly bent all the way over in a way that looked humanly impossible, cocked her head, and said, “Hi.”
No Survivors
I nearly shot up to the roof because it took me by surprise. How did she know I was looking at the monitor at that exact moment?! Reddit user: LCarkuff
Once I was babysitting my 6-year-old cousin, and he was playing with his trains. Well, he started yelling that they were about to crash, then smashed them together. I paid him absolutely no mind because this is what little boys say and do all the time, right? But then something freaky happened.
Me When I Was Grandma
He lifted the bits and pieces of the toy train up, slowly looked at me, and whispered, “There were no survivors.” It was super creepy. Reddit user: kadc123
My best friend was cleaning out her dresser drawers when her 3-year-old picked up a picture and said, “Look Mommy! This was me when I was Grandma!” It was a really old black and white picture of my friend’s grandmother. She asked, “What?” And her daughter replied, “You don’t remember?! I was Grandma Marie.”
Someone’s in the Bathroom
My friend’s grandmother had died a decade before her daughter was born. And her name isn’t mentioned often in the house. Reddit user: LemonFly4012
My 4-year-old son went to the bathroom to use the potty and returned seconds later saying, “There’s already someone in the bathroom.” My hair stood up on my neck because only the two of us were home. So I asked him, “What do you mean?” And he repeated, “There’s already someone in the bathroom.”
I asked, “Where did you see the person?” And he pointed to an un-flushed toilet and said, “See? Someone’s already here.” His big brother hadn’t flushed. Reddit user: JohnnyBrillCream