No More Hard Rocking
Businesses have rules to keep customers happy and comfortable. Rules also exist to let patrons know what is and isn’t allowed on the premises. And of course, there are often consequences for those who fail to adhere to these rules. But every once in a while, someone comes in a violates those rules so hard that they end up banned from the establishment.
They’ve done everything from strip themselves of their clothing to dressing up as apes, peeing on bouncers, and more. Whether they felt like they were truly breaking the rules or not, in the end, these crazy people were told never to come back to the establishment they’d harassed. Today, people who have been on the receiving side of a ban are sharing their shocking and hilarious stories about what happened.
My dad was having a bad day, so he decides to go to a comedy show at the Hard Rock Cafe where my uncle works. My dad comes straight from work in his postal uniform and orders a drink. He finds an open seat and sits down. A woman sitting next to him says that my dad took her friend’s seat. Being in the bad mood that he’s in, he says that nobody is sitting there and that there are plenty of other open seats elsewhere. The woman decides to stick her finger in his drink and flick Crown Royal in my dad’s face. My dad calmly gets up and walks away.
Making Out with the Wrong Woman
The woman goes back to talking to her friends, while my father goes to get an empty tall glass from the bar and starts to walk around the restaurant pouring the remnants of drinks into the glass. After filling up the glass, he walks over to the woman and pours the entire glass on the woman’s head, slowly. Reddit user: mooremic
When I was 21, I just got a job at a sports bar in Florida. During a New Year’s Eve party, I imbibed copious amounts of Long Island iced tea. The countdown began, and we watched the ball dropping on the big screen. As everyone screamed Happy New Year, I saw a hot older blonde standing next to me and decided to give her a kiss. Not being a very confident guy, I went for a quick smack on the lips. As I pulled away, she grabbed my head, pulled me back, and proceeded to throw her all into the kiss. We made out for what seemed like forever but was, in reality, only about 10-15 seconds.
A Steady Stream
Just enough time for one of the owners to see me with my hand on his wife’s butt and my lips on hers. My co-worker (and roommate) got between him and me just in time, and I was able to get out of there without a beatdown. It was never made official, but I just assumed I was banned for life from entering the establishment again. Reddit user: TheKidd
When I was 20, my cousin and I went down to a club in my hometown after a CFL football game. After spending about an hour at the bar, we needed to use the washroom, which was located on the second floor. Well, in line to the washroom, we noticed a bouncer come through a door that was marked ‘fire exit only.’
Going Bananas
My cousin and I both decided to relieve ourselves off the fire exit (on the second floor). It was only when a bouncer came out and grabbed us mid-stream that we realized we were going on the patio (full of people) below us. I have never tried to get back in, and we were told we were banned for life. Reddit user: sims86
I was banned from Albertson’s (a SoCal grocery store) for buying bananas in a gorilla suit without using words. I walked up, took the bananas, made a few monkey noises, and left. I paid for them and everything. Everyone but the security manager thought it was funny. If anything, he should be thanking me for the entertainment I provided.
For Changing the Home Pages
I should note that when we tried the same thing at Trader Joe’s later that day, not only did they NOT ban me, but they gave me 3 bundles (what’s the terminology?) for free. I used to have videos of all of these, but I accidentally deleted them off YouTube during a cyberbullying incident. Reddit user: jaymunee80
When the Apple store in the mall opened, I may or may not have used their unsecured Wi-Fi connection to set home pages to things that may or may not have been videos of dolphins engaged in various activities with people. I just thought it would be hilarious to do so.
Banned from Recess
But not everyone agreed with me. Also, the mall may or may not actually have a very tiny jail in it. Reddit user: theshirt
When I was in fifth grade, I was a huge troublemaker. One day, after having a pretty deep conversation about the inexcusably short length of our recess time with a concerned classmate, I decided to stage a protest. I had spent enough time menacing about in my school to know how to shimmy up the side of the building to the roof.
So I did, and once on top, I declared my intent to bounce up and down on the roof unless they extended our recess by 10 minutes. The rest of it is kind of a blur, but all of my classmates were gathering down below in the grass chanting and declaring solidarity for our cause.
Banned from Church
The teacher’s aides were outside begging for me to step back from the edge. No dice, I was in charge. I took a deep breath and jumped the 15 feet into the grassy field below. I wasn’t injured, no change ever came from my valiant protest, and then I was banned from recess for the rest of elementary school. Reddit user: seaseme
I have a few good ones, but this is my favorite. Despite claiming that they were fairly religious, my parents stopped taking me and my siblings to church on Sundays when I was fairly young. Upon asking why recently, my mother said that when I was five years old, I joined her as she went up to receive eucharist.
Burger Ban
As would any decent five-year-old, I asked the priest what his favorite dinosaur was. He promptly told me that dinosaurs did not exist, at which point I threw such a fit that my parents had to carry me out as I screamed bloody murder. They were asked not to bring me back, and thus, out of embarrassment, they decided not to attend that church again. Reddit user: Aucasaurus
I got banned from this burger joint for pointing out their scam. This hole in the wall burger shop is famous in Winnipeg for giant burgers. Six friends and I decided we were going to take the “9 lb” burger challenge. To actually order it, you have to call in advance and pre-pay, because cooking it is a big job.
So, my friend calls in a week before to order and pay for the burger; it comes to $85. The next week, we show up to eat. We all order canned drinks at $1.50 each, and a couple of us order milkshakes (which were horribly overpriced at $10 already). So, the drink total is 7x $1.50 can drinks and 3x $10 milkshakes, so $40.50.
For Being the Lion Tamer
When the first guy goes up to pay for his canned drink, the cashier rings it up for $18.83. Asking why so much for one canned drink, the cashier points out a sign (on a chalkboard) stating that groups larger than 6 HAVE to pay 15% gratuity. Thinking the first guy got hit with it, the second goes up and gets charged $30 for his shake.
It turns out they wanted to charge 15% gratuity to EACH person, on the total price, including the pre-paid burger. 15% compounded over 7 people is 105% gratuity, more than the entire cost of the meal. I decide to go up next and question this system and try to explain their bad math skills.
The cashier gets all defensive, saying she’s just doing her job, and asks me for another 18$ for my canned drink. I explain again that 105% gratuity is extortion and that the first 2 people have already paid more than we owed. The owner/cook then flips out on me, saying, “Well, let them pay whatever they want, but you’re not allowed back here,” pointing at me. So I’m banned for being able to calculate a bill properly. Reddit user: zomChomsky
My friend is at the zoo and proceeds to hop over the outer cage of the lion’s den. In the blink of an eye, he whips out his wallet and begins shaking it at said lions in a violent, angry fashion. He’s screaming insults at them (at one point calling them out for “not being as cool as bears”) until the police arrive.
For Peeing on the Bouncer
He is promptly arrested and banned from the zoo for life. The best part of the story occurred while the arresting officer was entering my friend’s name into their system. The cop decided to give him an alias. He can now be found in our city’s police database under the pseudonym “The Lion Tamer.” Reddit user: [redacted]
Some friends and I went out for a few drinks. I ended up having more than I should have and decided that going for a walk around town at 1 AM was a good idea. What was supposed to be a nice way to get some fresh air ended up being a stumble around the city for over half an hour.
My friends eventually rang me up and managed to make out what I was saying and where I was to come meet me. On the way back to the bar, however, I realized I really, really needed to go pee. So, I stopped at the street corner, whipped out my junk, and started going about my business.
Banned for Exposing Them
That’s when this gigantic dude, who I think was André The Giant, appeared out of what I believed to be a wall (but turned out to be the glass door to a very full pub). At that point, I realized I was now peeing onto the shoes of a bouncer twice my size.
Immediately, I apologized. I can’t really remember what happened next, except that he yelled at me for a bit, told me never to come here again, and kicked me in the stomach. Reddit user: The OnlyNeb
I got banned from a poetry site because for over a year, I’d pass off obscure poems by great poets like Plath, Eliot, William Carlos Williams, etc. and then watch as the other members called “my” work immature and unpolished and vague and crap like that. But I was the one who had the last laugh.
Banning Him and His First-Born
One day, I posted citations of everything I had ever posted and basically called out the site members for what they were: total amateurs and, on top of that, suckers. Reddit user: agaggleofflocks
When my dad was younger, he was at the local pub and started needling the bouncer about something. The bouncer knew him and tried to ignore him. But then my dad (he swears) by accident spilled his beer all over him, and the guy finally tried to drag him out.
My father thought this was hilarious and proceeded to fight his way (poorly) out of the bar, smashing up a cigarette machine in the process, before legging it. They called the next morning to inform him that he and his firstborn child were banned from ever entering the pub during drinking hours again.
Banned from Canada
Fast forward about twenty-six years. I just turned nineteen and got to go to the local pub for drinks for the first time. The bartender took my ID and looked at my pretty recognizable last name. He said, “Are you M’s daughter, CosineX?” I said yes. He said I was allowed to drink there, but I was on probation.
They have my name on their list. They kept my dad’s name and watched the birth announcements in the paper to get the name of his firstborn child. Reddit user: CosineX
My father was banned for a year from Canada for lying about why he was there. He was there for business but told the guards he was there for a vacation. But he didn’t think this lie out properly, and when they asked him to open up the car, he knew he was in trouble.
Happens All the Time
They searched his car and found his tools/machine parts. When my dad died, I insisted that it was mentioned in the eulogy (it was). Reddit user: coffee229841
There’s a club near me where every night or Saturday night or something, there’s a guy who will come in and take off all his clothes during the “It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes” song. It started a few months back, and the first time, no one knew what to do.
The Toy Duel
He sets them in the corner and dances naked. Then he gets his clothes and puts them back on. They used to kick him out/stop him, but now they just let him. Reddit user: Lystrodom
Once, my friend John and I spent $10, all of our cash, on foam swords. It was about 10:30 PM, and we were in front of this church in the parking lot. So we were playing around and beat each other senselessly with these foam swords. Mid-battle, an officer pulled up and called out a warning.
For Letting the Truth Out
We froze and kind of snickered as she walked up to us. She asked what we were doing, so we explained. Then she didn’t believe us and made us show her the toys. The problem? At that point, the foam sword was missing. We had to spend half an hour looking for it while more cops arrived.
They start taking our info. It turns out, some old guy said we were having a real battle because of the flashes and noises. So I got banned from every church and church parking lot in my area. Reddit user: damiancorbeil
I used to shout-cast a “show” where I’d basically drink a couple of bottles of Pinot Noir and pontificate on the meaning of the structural integrity of doorframes interspaced by crappy mashups of bad techno and lame sci-fi quotes. This shout-casting was directly related to a large video gaming website.
No More Elevators
On one particular evening, I got a hold of a copy of the “Moderator Board” for that particular website. It was pretty obscene. I have no problems with moderators doing their thing, but the things they were saying about the individuals posting on the shack were…well, elitist. That crap just doesn’t belong on a gaming website.
After I got over my shock, I started reading the moderators’ posts calling out specific individuals in my best Rush Limbaugh impression. I was almost immediately banned. Reddit user: TotalFusionOne
When I was a kid, I used to play ‘Elevator Hide and Seek’ with my friends in a hotel. Note that we were all kids, and our parents were having some celebration in the reception room. Anyway, the game started off with the seeker waiting in the lobby while all the other kids got on the elevator and went to different floors.
Banned from Giving Blood
There were 20 floors, so it wasn’t that fancy. This went on for a while until security noticed that the elevator lineup in the lobby was getting long. They had to ban us from using the elevator. My parents were not happy, and my brothers and I got grounded for a month. Reddit user: [redacted]
So one night, I was wrestling around with this girl, and a while into it, she bit me on the arm. She broke the skin and drew blood. Fast forward a few days, and I’m in the blood bank office answering all these personal history questions. Well, everything goes fine, and after the nurse finishes, she glances at my arm and asks what happened there.
“Oh, I got bit.” She smiles at me and asks, “What? A dog bite or something?” I laugh. “Noooo…. More like a human bite.” Well, her eyes narrow, and she glares at me for a second. She gets the big medical book and flips to the “bite” section. “Let’s see…it talks about dog bites, snake bites, and spider bites. Nothing here about human bites.”
For a Mac Attack
So, the supervising nurse of the blood bank comes in and talks with my nurse for a while. They look at my arm, then the book, and back to my arm. They have no idea what to do about this human bite situation. Next, the head doctor comes over, and everyone steps outside for a minute to talk.
It was so funny how the group would occasionally glance back at me in unison and then continue their conversation. Well, all three came back into the room, and the main doctor said I was banned from giving blood for a year because this bite broke the skin and I might have contracted something they didn’t want being passed on to the blood recipients. Reddit user: TrocarTony
I just found out about this recently; my dad has always been a straight-laced, no drinking, really buttoned-up type of guy. Apparently, when he was in high school (16-17 years old), he and his friends would hang out at a Mcdonald’s back when they were running the Mac Attack advertisements.
You And Your Friends Are Banned
Well, one day he went up to the counter and started to fake breathing problems and fell to the ground. The staff were obviously horrified, and they rushed to his aid, but then he started to spin around in circles by kicking while screaming he was “having a Mac attack.”
He proceeded to receive a lifetime ban from that McDonald’s, but he still thinks it was hilarious. That day, I learned that at one point, my dad was also a snot-nosed punk, just like I was. Reddit user: DJOstrichHead
My friends and I go out drinking on his twenty-first in a NYC bar, and every single one of us blacks out. We all wake up the next morning at the arranged stay-over house, with no one aware of what happened or how we got there. We chalk it up to youthful discretion and go on living our lives.
For Calling Names
Fast forward two years. That friend and I are in the city. We decide to stop by that same bar mid-day for a drink, having had such a fond memory (or lack thereof) and never having gone back afterward. We take two steps into the bar, and the bartender and every patron immediately point to the door.
It is then that we notice a large picture of my friend on the wall with the words “DO NOT LET THIS MAN OR ANYONE HE IS WITH IN THIS BAR” written on it. Still don’t know what we did. Reddit user: mooky1234
I was banned from a stock only MechWarrior 3 clan for calling the leader’s wife “Pita” (a piece of bread) when she was running late for a clan match. He challenged me to a battle royale. It was dark and raining, and we were on opposite sides of a street, each side lined with our spectating clan mates.
The Backfired Ban
I stripped everything off my mech: armor, heat sinks, engine. All I had was jump jets and as many weapons as I could fit. The fight started and he charged me; I flew up into the air and hit him with everything I had. The heat shut down my mech, but I hit him.
I was immediately banned. I was their webmaster as well, so I sabotaged the site after that and never talked to them again. MW3 is serious stuff. Reddit user: nicholmikey
Back in the early days of Runescape (still a classic, around third grade), my friend told me that if I reported someone, their items would instantly drop to the ground. And I would be able to collect them and add them to my inventory. I saw someone with a lovely rune battle ax that I had to have, so I reported him.
Banned from the Local Watering Hole
Lo and behold, he did not instantly drop everything, and I was banned for something to do with misreporting someone. I’ve never been more annoyed at my friend. Reddit user: Grantisgrant
During my second year of university, I went out to have some fun at the campus bar when out of nowhere, a wildfire alarm went off. Everyone proceeded to the outdoor patio like instructed. On this patio, they had very nice picnic tables. I forgot what was on them, but they were very nice looking, and I wanted one.
Banned from Disney
So, I convinced my two other buddies to help me steal the table right in front of everyone. We lifted the table into the air over our heads and walked out. Mind you, there must have been 150 people there. We got all the way across campus to the arena parking lot when we heard sirens.
It was the local campus police. We acted like the people that took it ran away and we were just sitting there. The officer didn’t believe it. He asked us to take it back. So we did. We walked back to everyone still outside laughing at us returning the picnic table. And that’s how we got banned from the local watering hole. Pretty funny night. Reddit user: thedangler
I have a friend who was banned from Disney World. He went to where they have some kind of live exotic animal ride. He hopped out of the tram and ran at a giraffe, snapped a picture right as it was freaking out, and ran back. The tour guide was furious and had him banned from the park.
For Drinking Milk with a Cookie
They even have a two-foot picture of him hanging somewhere to tell the people at the gate not to let him in. He has shown me all the pictures, and it’s pretty funny. I might have to upload them sometime. Reddit user: [redacted]
I was walking through Safeway, and I got a free cookie from the bakery. Since I was eating the free cookie, I thought it would be best if I went and cracked open a box of milk from the dairy aisle. I was drinking said milk and eating said cookie when a Secret Shopper grabbed my arm and escorted me into the back room.
A Lifetime Ban from the Ballpark
I got verbally berated for ~30 minutes (such gems as, “Yeah, you’ll be laughing in prison when Bubba gets hold of you”) and then sent me off, banned eternally from Safeway. I later received a $300 fine for stealing when the only reason I didn’t pay for the milk was because I didn’t have a chance to. Reddit user: pocketboy
My friend got banned from the Lansing Lugnuts stadium for rushing the field after the 8th inning. It was two-dollar beer night, and he probably had one too many. He just got up and ran down towards the field like a mad man. He was caught INSTANTLY by security due to his fabulous purple tee.
Drowning the Equipment
He was told that he had to write an apology letter to the general manager. But even after he did that, he received a lifetime ban from the ballpark. Reddit user: YouCrazyGirl
I used to DJ with my mate at a fairly average Camden (London) indie club. It was just for a laugh, and we got paid in beer. Fun times all around. The way it worked for us as a duo was that one person would play until he dropped a cool tune, and then the next fella would take over. Simple rules, but it kept it fresh.
For Having a Too-Strong Alliance
The club we DJ’d at had just spent thousands upon thousands on a new DJ setup (they were trying to appeal to DJs a lot better than us). One particular Friday, I decided my mate had played a sweet song (Pigeon Detectives, if memory serves), and I thought it should be my turn. He disagreed and kept playing.
But I wanted to play. In a moment of perfect inebriated logic, I picked up a full pint and slowly and deliberately poured it over the decks…blowing them to utter buggery. I was swiftly thrown out and am still banned to this day. Reddit user: [redacted]
My brother and I both played OGame circa 2005-2007. I lived in the same house as he did, and he used my computer all the time. Long story short, our alliance was doing REALLY well in Universe 5, and then we got banned for “account sharing”; even though we explained to the mods our living situation, not a single flip was given by them.
For Asking Too Many Questions
It was soul-crushing. So much work, effort, fleet saves, timing. However, after that, I did notice I had MUCH more time to do things and not worry about when my fleet would return or setting up probe waves. Reddit user: Kinetic Solution
I got excommunicated from a church for asking too many questions, or rather, the wrong questions. I asked with a very open mind, “If all religions say they are the true word of God, then how can we ever know which religion or denomination is correct?” I was just a curious young man when it happened.
Banned from Canada…Again
It effectively got me banned from that church. I never looked at religion the same since. And I haven’t been back inside a church either. Reddit user: chiv
In our senior year of high school, four of my good friends went up to Canada on a camping trip. It was an 8-hour drive or so. They found a camping spot on an island, which they canoed to. The rules of the camping zone they were in stated they were not allowed to have a campfire on the island.
For Too Much Exposure
After a few drinks, they decided to go to a neighboring island, have a fire there with some drinks, then canoe back, and no one would know it was them. Well, they made the fire and had a ton of drinks, then they all passed out. When they woke up, they frantically tried to put the fire out. Long story short, they got busted and got banned from Canada. Reddit user: hoti0101
I got banned from Walmart for a couple of months because I wore a spandex shirt and cutoff jean shorts. It happened as I was dropping coins and slowly bending over to pick them up in front of people (my pockets had major holes in them). I’ll admit it probably was for the best.
For Climbing a Water Tower
I was chased out by a trucker with a stick because my family jewels had fallen out of my short shorts when I bent over in front of him. It’s pretty hilarious when I think about it. Reddit user: [redacted]
My dad got kicked off an army base when he was twenty-one for climbing a water tower (or something) and throwing rocks at people. He wasn’t a soldier or anything, but he lived there with his father (my grandad). My grandfather, who was a colonel at the time, was outraged and embarrassed.
Banned from Spain
He refused to let my dad live on base again. He immediately shipped my dad to Florida to go to school (they were living in California at the time). Reddit user: BadKitty420
My dad was a high school drop-out in the Navy. His ship made port in Spain, and he had a 3-day leave to just waste time and do whatever he wanted around Spain. He proceeded to the nearest bar (and several bars after that one) until the sun rose the next day.
No More Competitions
He doesn’t remember much about that night other than a few women, a distraught carriage driver, and a Spanish police officer politely requesting that he return to his ship and never return. My dad was banned from Spain. Reddit user: Ooniversidad
I got kicked out of a National Academic Decathlon for quietly holding up a sign in support of the home team (in the stands) that said, “GO National Academics Decathlete Students!” (or GO NADS down the left side). The principal climbed through the stands to escort me outside, where there was an altercation.
For Bumping into a Picture
This wasn’t at my high school. In fact, I was a few years removed from HS. As I walked away to my car, he told me I was banned for life from all future competitions. Reddit user: Durantalot
My friend and I were walking through a mall. There was a Sharper Image with a statue of Superman. I wanted a picture of me next to him, so I ran in, struck a pose, and a sign with intricate LEDs, glass, lights, and video designs crashed down behind me. Apparently, I bumped into it as I ran by.
For a Misunderstanding
They asked me if I knew how expensive it was. I said no and was feeling terrified. They explained to me stuff about custom-made signs. They said I shouldn’t come back. Apparently, it was thousands of dollars. Quite bad. Reddit user: nervousanon
My friend’s grandma apparently got banned from this one online poker room for something very innocent. During the game, she’d constantly say “lol” because she thought it meant “lots of luck” or “lots of love.” She was sadly mistaken, and that’s why she ended up in trouble a few minutes after.
For Making a Profit
Then someone said something rude and disrespectful out of nowhere, and she said “lol” right after. And so someone reported her. She was banned for three months. Reddit user: kentamari
The Texas Rangers Ballpark has a bunch of kids’ games in center field that cost “coupons” (about $1 each) to play. A local grocery was running a promo in Dallas that gave away free coupons at the register. My friend and I went around to all of the stores in the area and stocked up on coupons.
For Selective Hearing
That week at the game, we went around selling the coupons 2 for 1 to anyone willing to buy. By the 7th inning, we had made almost $600 dollars. Suddenly, someone grabbed my arm and said, “Come with us.” It was an employee; he asked where we got the tickets, and we told him.
He took our pictures (and all of our tickets), found my parents, and escorted us out of the park, telling us we were never allowed back. Fortunately for us, they thought we were giving the tickets away, not selling them! Reddit user: grgbndkng
My boyfriend at the time got us both banned from IKEA. We were walking around near the beds and mattresses, and he had a question. We finally found a woman who worked there; her back was to us, and she was slightly hidden. My boyfriend leaned in and kept saying, politely, “Excuse me? Hi, excuse me? Hello? Can you help us?”
For Hogging the Elevator
But she kept ignoring us. No headphones on. Nothing else. Just ignoring us. So my boyfriend started to walk away and said to me, “What a witch.” Well magically she heard THAT, and she whipped around and started screeching, “What did you say!?” and got on her radio calling for security.
Security came; she was screaming and practically crying that my boyfriend had threatened her and that she “didn’t feel safe” and wanted us both “off the property.” We both kept trying to explain what happened, but they wouldn’t even listen, and security manhandled us out the door.
A manager came by and said that since their worker didn’t feel safe, they needed our names. We weren’t to come back to the store because we would be considered trespassers. Reddit user: [redacted]
I once rode a glass elevator up and down for several hours in a casino with a group of my friends. We were bored pre-teens who had managed to sneak by and get into the elevator. When they caught us, we had amassed a bench, decorative tree, and ashtray all in the elevator.
Security escorted us out like shameful swine, leading us through the crowd of onlookers while we tried to look as innocent as possible. Then we were 86’ed forever. Reddit user: Oxxide