The Mean Girl
A witty comeback can change the course of a conversation. If someone’s being rude, delivering them a sharp one-liner could spark an apology, or it could trigger anger, but either way the other person will surely get the message that you know how to speak up for yourself. These comebacks often erupt out of nowhere, like your subconscious was raring to pick a fight- and those are usually the lines that go down in legendary lore…
There are few feelings quite as satisfying as delivering a great zinger in the middle of a conversation. The following people were able to whip up some great comebacks for those who were rude to them. After reading some of these, even the least creative person will top-notch comeback material for days…
He Didn’t Put Up With It
This girl sat behind me in class and kept talking the whole period about her insecurities to her friend who was sitting next to her. She was tall and blonde, and I noticed that all of her complaints about herself were really just ways to get her friend to compliment her.
Worse of all, I saw that it was actually working. I turned around and asked her politely if she could talk a little bit lower so that I could hear the lecture, and she laughed and said to me, “Who are you?” and I quickly replied back to her out loud in front of the class…
“I’m the person who’s going to go back there and circle your problem areas if you don’t shut up, Karen.” Some people laughed, and she literally didn’t talk again for the rest of the semester, which was only a few days. I don’t know her real name. Reddit User: [redacted]
Lost in Translation
I was telling a story at a party when my good friend interrupted me and just started talking over me. I usually don’t care when that happens, but I had the perfect amount of buzz in me at the time to not hold back stuff that normally I would keep to myself.
And so without even thinking or taking a breath, I snapped at him….“Oh I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?” He actually had to stop mid-sentence, laugh, and say, “Okay that’s a good one.” Reddit User: Douglerful
Family Shenanigans
I met this girl on a dating app. She told me she spoke Russian. I told her I spoke Chinese (which we both actually do speak). I asked her if she would go to dinner with me. She replied in Russian. I assumed it said yes and asked when we could meet. No response.
I eventually translated the Russian and it said, “You are a big clown.” I was sad for a second, then I sent her some Chinese. She translated it and it read, “If you are reading this sentence, then you automatically agree to have dinner with me.” She had a good laugh and we met up. Reddit User: joshmidla
How Rude!
It was the 4th of July, and I was spending my day at a party that my sister and family were throwing. My parents along with a couple of my cousins were there enjoying the great weather and drinks. We were all enjoying talking while we waited for the pig roast to be done….
All the while, my sister’s kids along with my cousin’s kids are running around in the background. So my cousin JR, who is a bit of an authoritarian parent and is constantly putting his son in timeout, sees that his son Landon is running around with a stick.
So he yells out, “Landon! Drop the stick and go sit down in timeout.” “What’s wrong with running around with a stick?” I said back. “When I was a kid, I was always running around with a stick in my hand.” So my dad decides to chime in, “Oh, is that what you call it?” Reddit User: Ikonosaurus_Rex11d
A Fun Party
I donated old couches I had to the Salvation Army pretty often, and this was one of those times. The guy took it from me and said thank you. I still needed to bring them the cushions, though, another time. So I called them about when I could drop them off.
But the lady on the phone was being really rude to me and told me that the couch was no good for them. I told her actually it’s no good because now you’re definitely not going to be getting the cushions for it, you ungrateful woman. Reddit User: unicornmom31
Mom Was Upset
I went to a birthday party one time when I was in middle school. I had been invited by my friend whose birthday it was, and I was really excited about going to it. But when I walked in to the party, I meet one of the more macho, athletic kids right away.
He came up to me and this the first thing he says…“Hey, I’m Hayden, I’m the coolest guy here.” I shook his hand and casually said back to him, “Not anymore.” Sadly, I haven’t been that smooth ever since, and probably won’t top that. Reddit User: whendrstat
Do You Smell That Smell?
I got into a heated argument/disagreement with my mom. She, in typical fashion when being proven wrong, resorted to desperate attempts to try and assert authority to make herself feel better. That time, she said, “I hope you enjoyed driving my car, because you’re not driving it anymore.”
I ignored it the first time. But I guess to make sure I heard, she repeated herself, and I just calmly replied, “Your car? Dad paid for it….” Needless to say, she didn’t take that slick little comment too well. But it was completely true! He did pay for it: all of it. And full price, too. It was just in her name, but she didn’t put a cent towards the purchase, and man did that comeback irk her. Still one of my proudest moments, haha. Reddit User: marcm6246
Good One!
Not really something particularly witty, but this one time I was playing a video game one day when someone decided to say something utterly random online to everyone. Some crazy chick on Roblox said, “I’m as fresh as Febreze” or something very weird like that.
Without even taking two seconds to internalize it or think about what it could mean, I started typing…. and I ended up replying with “and just as toxic.” She then followed that up with a threat to steal my toes. Lovely community. Reddit User: jahdayyy
Speaking Without Thinking
My dad was hanging out with some of his friends one time. They all were going out to dinner and they walked to a restaurant near his friend’s house. He got to the entrance of the restaurant first and held the door open for everyone who had walked in behind him.
He decided to make a joke to the last guy. He ends up saying to the last guy, “It’s customary to tip the doorman.” Without missing a beat, my dad’s friend responded with, “Here’s a tip for you, don’t be the first to the door.” Reddit User: Mousestar36974d
Kids Can Be Mean
I’m a 33-year-old male. This one time I was walking by the fitting room at the local Walmart near where I lived. One of the associates, who was an 80-year-old female, was trying to hang up a pair of panties on one of the racks, and she kept dropping them.
I hear her exclaim to herself, “These panties just keep hitting the floor.” Before I could catch myself to contemplate the inappropriate nature of my thoughts to an older woman, I blurt out, “That happens when I walk by women….” Reddit User: musthavecheapguitars
Missing Name Tags
Okay so when I was in 9th grade, we did this weird activity where we had to design and present a car that would be as energy-efficient as possible. My group designed this cool supercar kind of thing. It was time for us our group to present it to the class.
We started talking about the price, which we had set at like 120k, which would be reasonable. This kid in the front row, clearly trying to be cool, said, “I wouldn’t pay that much!” So I just responded relatively quietly with, “You wouldn’t earn that much.” Reddit User: probably_oliver
You’re Not Yourself
We have magnetic name tags at the theater where I work, and it can be very easy to knock the front half off of the name tag. It will often disappear many times during any given shift. I was walking into an auditorium heard my coworker make an announcement over the radio.
He said, “J has misplaced his nametag.” I immediately quipped back to him, “I guess that makes J nameless, doesn’t it?” He was not particularly amused, but I heard a couple of my fellow managers giggling back in the stock room. Reddit User: kiku_moxxi
Joking Around
In high school, my drama teacher went off on our class one day because the school play was coming up and we weren’t using our rehearsal time properly, or so she said. After she finished, we all sat in stunned silence for about 10 seconds, with nobody saying anything.
And then I just blurted out something to break the silence a little bit. “Miss, do you want a Snickers, because you’re not yourself when you’re hungry?” Even she couldn’t resist laughing; I was very proud of myself that day. Reddit User: TheY2MProblem
Breaking the Ice
When I was a teen, my mom sent me (17-year-old male at the time) to the grocery store where I worked to pick up a few things, including tampons for her. I grew up with her and my sister and never gave much thought to their cycles. It’s really not the great, stinking, disgusting big deal most guys make it out to be.
It’s a simple bodily process that women go through as part of the privilege of being able to bring new life into the world. Get over it, guys. Anyway, I get to the cashier, and it’s a woman I’m on good terms with at the store. I think she saw me as a bit of a little brother. She gets to the tampons and asks, “Oh, are these for you?” Without missing a beat, I reply, “Yeah, because I have the perfect parts for it,” Reddit User: dubgeek
A Mean Boss
(This isn’t my comeback but it was used against me.) As a girl, I used to get bullied a lot for having a deep voice in middle school, and one day on the after school activity bus, this guy told me “you sound like a man,” so I responded, “You sound like a girl.”
And quick as ever, his comeback was just the simple line: “Jealous?” I busted out laughing because it was SO unexpected and pretty good; like, I’m pretty sure I even gave him a high five, and he never gave me trouble after that. Reddit User: trustworthybb
She Thought It Was Funny
At my old job, I had this boss who was this old Italian guy that would give out a very strict attitude to everyone, but nobody would ever say anything back to him. Until one day when he pointed at my head and said to me, “You have more gray hair than I do.”
Before I could even think, I just instantly replied back to him, “No, I just have more hair.” He instantly frowned, got upset, and stormed away in a big huff. It was a very small win for me, but the instant response was really nice. Reddit User: Sleepdeprived
A Funny Comeback
This one time, I was joking around with this older woman at work one day about 17 years ago. I was working as a cashier at the time, and we were standing over by the cash register. I zinged her first, and she dismissively just says back to me, “Oh, eat me.”
Without even thinking for a second, I quickly shot back with a good response. I said, “No thanks. I choke on dust.” I guess it was that good of a line because she still hasn’t stopped laughing about it to this day. She’s seeing a doctor about it soon, last I heard. Reddit User: USA_akbar
Got ‘Em
This one time, I was playing cards with my extended family. I’m not sure how we got on the topic of blood types people have. I think my mom said she was a blood type anybody could use (most likely type O) and my uncle said that his blood type was A positive.
I was half paying attention but immediately spat something out…. “Yeah that’s probably the only A+ you ever got in your life!” My aunt high-fived me for the retort, and his jaw hit the floor and he laughed for a while. It was great. Reddit User: VTCHannibal
FedEx Issues
I’m not usually a jewelry kind of person, but my birthday had just passed and so I decided to wear one of the gifts I had gotten to work one day. On the day in question, I wore a gold chain to work. I thought nothing of it until a coworker comes up to me.
And another coworker looked at me and said, “That is so fake.” I’m not usually known for my comebacks, as I tend to ignore people most of the time, but I’d had enough of him and quickly replied, “Just like your personality.” Reddit User: spooky_jerry193d
Sucked In Too Hard
One time, my boss was up on stage for a meeting and was explaining some issues FedEx was facing with shipment times and that we’d need to adjust our shipping ETAs. So this one especially outspoken individual decides to raise his hand and ask a question…
He asks, “So uhh, like, when are things going to be like they should be?” My boss looked at him dead in the face and said, “I don’t know, when are you going to be like you were in your interview?” He didn’t miss a beat, and the whole place went nuts. Reddit User: depthandbloom
30 Seconds Late
In the Army, there was a saying used by the trainers and officers. “Suck that smile.” Basically, if people are about to start laughing or if they are smiling, they would yell, “Suck that smile! Suck it away! Suck it deep so it goes into your gut and off your face!”
One evening, a guy farted real loud. Everybody started smiling, and the trainers said, “No laughing, suck your smiles!” etc. The trainer yells, “PRIVATE! What happened!” and the guy answers with a perfect poker face, “SIR! I sucked too hard, SIR!” Reddit User: Aargloo
Why Are You Staring at Me?
My coworker was on the phone with our team lead that was on duty. The lead happened to be on speakerphone. My coworker notified us that he was coming in for work a little bit late. Him and his wife were trying to have a baby, and it was suddenly very public.
His wife thought that day needed to be a day they tried based on her cycle and all that. Basically he tells the lead that they needed to make a baby. The lead says, “Fine [name], we don’t mind you showing up 30 seconds late. Good luck!” The crew died laughing. Reddit User: defectiveburger
Chocolate Cake
One day in class, a girl was making a big deal about having to use the restroom two minutes after class had started. She comes back to class like fifteen minutes later, disrupting the entire class by yelling, “Oh my gosh, you’ll never guess what just happened in the hallway!”
My teacher is just staring at her for rudely interrupting his lecture and disrupting the class. She stops mid-sentence and says to the teacher, “Why are you staring at me?” and without missing a beat, he replies, “Why do people go to the zoo?” Reddit User: [redacted]
I Never Liked Her
When I was 17, my Mormon mother wanted to talk to me about intimacy. She had these two slices of chocolate cake out in front of us. “Now daughter, this is you with your purity.” She then proceeds to go and squash one of the slices of cake with her hand.
“And this is you without your purity.” What slice of cake would you rather give to your future husband, for time and all eternity?” I looked back and forth between the cakes. “But, mom…they taste the same.” My older sister still loves to bring this up. Reddit User: hauskittay
You’re Adopted
My best friend had just found out that his wife was cheating on him with somebody else. To say that I never liked her would honestly be a huge understatement, so I offered to swing by his house with some new locks and ended up installing them for him.
He made arrangements to meet her at the house so she could get her stuff. Once she arrived, he asked that I sit with her while he got her crap so she didn’t steal anything. She said, “I guess you think that I’m a jerk now?” I said, “My opinion of you hasn’t changed.” Reddit User: KraziKev
You Still Use Facebook
One of my friends was adopted when he was a baby. The family also had a biological daughter around the same age as their adopted son. One day they were fighting like most siblings will do. The fight was over something really petty, but then it escalated.
It got to the point of them arguing full-on and the sister mentioned the adoption. She said to him meanly, “Well, at least I wasn’t adopted!” My friend responded with: “Mom and Dad at least chose me, they got stuck with you.” That shut her up for a while. Reddit User: Meingos
Divert Your Course
I work as a substitute teacher. One day, I end up subbing for a 5th grade class, and my kids were talking about how they don’t know what CDs are, and they were confusing them with DVDs. Earlier that day, I was talking to them about something I had seen on Facebook.
I’m honestly not that old. I’m only 22 years old, but to 5th graders that might as well be pretty old. Well, I said to them, “You all make me feel so old.” One of the more talkative kids answered back to me, “I knew you were old when you said you still use Facebook.” Reddit User: BarnaClip
Help Me Load These
This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Americans: Divert your course 15 degrees to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States’ Atlantic fleet. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. Reddit User: BodySnag
Standard Deviation
When I worked at Lowe’s, there was a terrible family that shopped there frequently; they owned a few local hotels. They were notorious for being openly chauvinistic and racist towards my coworkers. They were also the kind of people that thought they deserved special customer service.
One time my friend, we’ll call him Mitch, and I loaded up a bunch of lumber for him while he watched. There were a few small items remaining on the bottom of his cart, and as we were walking away, he said, “Aren’t you going to help me load these too?” Mitch said, “Help you? That implies you’re going to pick something up too.” Reddit User: [redacted]
Ski Trip
Freshman year in high school, I had social studies with a bunch of my friends, so we were always pretty confident we’d have some support to back us up if someone spoke out. Anyway, this big, but stupid argument broke out about how some people need to try to act more normal.
Our annoying teacher asked my buddy, “What does it mean to be normal anyway?” Without missing a beat, this 14-year-old replied, “Plus or minus 3 standard deviations from the mean.” It remains one of the best uses of statistics in everyday conversation. Reddit User: BSacamano11
Jessica Can’t Say Her Name
When I was in high school, we went to Trail, British Columbia, for a big ski trip. We were riding up the chair lift with a nice Canadian fella, and I asked him where he was from. “Right here in Trail,” he said. Me, being a high school jerk, said, “Man, Trail sucks.”
Being a nice, polite Canadian, he laughed, and we kept talking. Towards the end of the lift ride, he asked me where I was from. “Lewiston, Idaho.” Without skipping a beat, the nice Canadian goes, “Ahh, Lewiston; that’s where folks from Trail go to pick up cheap women.” Reddit User: DoubleSuited
Don’t Bother The Man at Work
In high school, I had a couple of friends whose friendship revolved around teasing each other. One of them was a British girl, and she spoke with an accent. So the non-British girl, let’s call her Jessica or something impossible to mispronounce, was talking to the British girl.
She was saying how it was all wrong the way she said “aluminium” or something, to which the British girl said something along the lines of “at least I don’t mispronounce my own name.” Jessica looked confused and said “Jessica?” to which the Brit responded, “No, [expletive].” Reddit User: Emmcs
Fabricated Stories
I was an audience member at a comedy club. This table of business chicks is sitting in the front row. They’ve had some drinks and are getting pretty loud. This one chick keeps heckling the MC the whole time. She keeps chirping away while he’s trying to perform.
Finally, he’s had it and says, “Hey, I don’t go to your house and knock the teeth out of your mouth, so why do you come here and bother me when I’m working?” The place when dead silent for 3 seconds then exploded with laughter. Best burn I’ve ever heard. Reddit User: Talmaska
Trigonometry Memories
I had worked almost 40 years ago with a bunch of World War II veterans. One of them was Kyle, who went on and on about how he waded ashore in the Philippines with the famous General Douglas MacArthur. He would always usually fabricate stories, though.
Finally one of the guys found an old Life or Look magazine at a garage sale that had the classic photo of MacArthur wading ashore in the Philippines with a group of soldiers behind him. He opened it on the desk and called Kyle over. “OK Kyle, which one were you?” Without missing a beat, Kyle said, “Who do you think took the picture?” Reddit User: Route_Pack_1
Study Hall
In my junior year trigonometry class, this girl who would sit next to me was talking about how she would only date guys who are athletic, good looking, and got really good grades, etc. She proceeded to say about herself, “I’m a girl who is hard to get.”
After she said that, I immediately replied with: “More like hard to want.” Everyone who sat around me who overheard what I said began cracking up, and my trig teacher even came by to ask us what happened because of how much laughing there was. Reddit User: bitcoincapital
Dogs Resemble Their Owners
When I was in high school, I was skipping study hall and wandering around the halls just hanging out. A security guard stops me and asks where I’m supposed to be; I tell her pretty sassily “right here.” She looks at me and says, “What are you talking about?”
I say, “I have study hall, and here I am, studying the halls!” She looked at me for a second, started laughing, and told me that it was such a good response to go to the other side of the school and she’d pretend she hadn’t seen me. Reddit User: PurpleLilac218
His Girlfriend
My husband and I used to frequent this dog park near our house, and there was one man (Phil) with his dog (Max) who also would usually frequent the park. Phil was a great looking man; even my husband had a man crush on him. Phil’s dog, Max, was an amazing dog.
The dog was well-trained, friendly, and had a beautiful, long coat that was well taken care of. One day Phil and Max were leaving the park, and I called over to them, “Phil, your dog is perfect!” Phil didn’t miss a beat. “He takes after his owner!” he called back. Reddit User: systemjolt
Won’t You Be My Neighbor?
I work part time at a club, and I once saw a guy manhandling this woman around the club. He was holding her by her bicep and dragging her around while she was complaining about it the whole time. They were both pretty drunk from what it looked like.
One of the larger bouncers approached them and told him to keep his hands to himself. The guy said, “It’s cool man, it’s my girlfriend.” Then the bouncer said, “Grab her like that again and I’m going to make you my girlfriend.” He didn’t even skip a beat. It was awesome. Reddit User: cromathor
My uncle represented this guy getting a divorce from his wife of 15 years. SUPER TOXIC breakup and they split everything 50/50, even the land that the house they lived in sat upon. Well, she decides to build a house right behind the other house, mind you this was a lot of land, probably 200 yards separating both home sites, so that the back of the houses faced each other.
The house gets built and my uncle gets a call from his client asking about the legality of a situation he had gotten himself into. Apparently, his ex-wife would spend a lot of time in her backyard, so he saw her all the time. What he did was buy a female dog and name it the same name as his ex-wife.