Ordering Mid-Stream
If you’ve never worked as a waiter, you might assume that restaurants are fairly normal places: conversation is made, food is eaten, and everything happens according to plan. It may come as a surprise, then, to learn that this isn’t always the case. The service workers of the internet are here to show you what restaurants are really like by sharing some of the most ludicrous things waiters have overheard while on the job.
From bad breakups to sketchy deals and even figuring out how to treat head lice, waiters have overheard it all…and while most of it ends up pretty comical, there are a few bad apples in the bunch. If you’re hungering for the weirdest restaurant gossip, look no further.
The restaurant I work in doesn’t have a separate bathroom for employees, which creates some… interesting encounters. One time, I was minding my own business and washing my hands after using the loo, and a customer leaned over from the urinal and started placing his order with me. I think I was too shocked to even reply.
An Offer I Couldn’t Refuse
I mean, he could at least wait for me to get my notepad out, right? And if you place your order in the bathroom, I’m just going to assume you don’t have a particularly high hygiene standard! Reddit user: pnomad
It’s not every day that you get the mob visiting your restaurant. One time, an older fellow walked in surrounded by a gaggle of attractive women, lit up a cigar, and proceded to order at least 10 bottles of expensive wine. At the end of the meal, he paid $5,000 in cash and offered me “a job, if you ever need some money on the side.”
El Chapo
After he left, my boss told me he had been the head of a large crime family years ago and had even done time for his misdeeds. I probably could’ve figured that out myself. Talk about exciting! Reddit user: konzafire
How many people can say they served an internationally wanted man? Not many! My brother works at a restaurant in Mexico, and one day El Chapo walked in with his entire entourage. He bought food, shook everyone’s hand, and made small talk; he seemed like an all-around nice guy.
TGI Friday Nights Sound Wild
You never would have guessed that he was a ruthless killer and cartel boss. Unlike most restaurant stories of people being nasty or unusually mean, this time my bro got to see an extremely dangerous man on his best behavior. Fascinating! Reddit user: shmonsters
I was a waiter for years at a TGI Friday’s. One time, a couple came in and asked if we sold our famous BBQ sauce by the bottle. Then, without me asking, the woman added that she enjoyed spreading it around when things would get…naughty between her and her boyfriend in the bedroom.
Meeting the Sopranos
Unfortunately, I had to disappoint them, since we happened to not have any sauce in stock at the time. I hope they managed with a generic brand of BBQ sauce later that night! Reddit user: privateryguy
One time, James Gandolfini walked into my diner. While I was serving coffee to their table, I overheard him telling his dining mates about a “majestic” meatball parmesan sandwich he once had. Apparently it was so good that, if he could, he would make love to it every single night.
Furry Friends
I can only hope that the meatball parm he ordered from our diner was up to snuff. Hopefully he would make love to it at least once or twice, if he could! Reddit user: BrandyAlexander9
Have any of you met a furry? You know, the people who dress up as giant stuffed animals? Well, I served a large group of them at my restaurant. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, but they were actually totally normal people. Once you got past the blue and pink onesies, they were one of the most boring tables I’ve ever waited.
A Regular Date Spot
And no, if you’re wondering, this wasn’t at 2am in an IHOP. It was at lunchtime in a restaurant frequented by corporate workers on their midday breaks. Totally absurd! Reddit user: kittensandcardigans
Every waiter at a reasonably cozy or intimate restaurant has that customer who always brings dates in. I had one who visited at least 3 times a week, always with a different woman. Over time, I noticed his pattern, and he would only pay for the entire meal if the woman looked likely to go home with him.
Culinary Border Patrol
Talk about transactional! But hey, it appeared that he had a pretty high success rate, so I’m glad he found something that worked out for him! Reddit user: sportysall
I was born in Mexico and work in a Mexican restaurant in the US. One time I overheard a man tell his date that the reason so many Mexican people work in our restaurant is because it’s illegal for white people to serve Mexican food. Somehow I managed to avoid giving him a loud lecture, and I admire my self-discipline.
Not the Time
The amount of crap that people will say in order to look educated baffles me. Especially when it has the exact opposite effect. Come on, people! Reddit user: NantheCowdog
I work in a kitchen with an open view of the restaurant’s seating area. One time I noticed a customer vigorously scratching his head through an entire meal. When I mentioned it to the wait staff later, they told me that they overheard the man’s dining parter tell him that he could “remove his head lice back at home.”
An Odd Invitation
I hope none of them fell in the poor guy’s food! And if they did, I at least hope they tasted good! Reddit user: NantheCowdog
I work at a bar/restaurant in New Orleans, and Mardi Gras is always a wild time. People will just invite you to join them on the wildest adventures. One time, I had two women invite me to join them in getting piercings in some…unconventional places. I said no and managed to avoid asking them what they meant by unconventional.
Text Enlargement Fail
I hope that they remember their time in New Orleans fondly. I wonder if they still have the piercings! Reddit user: [redacted]
I used to serve an elderly gentleman once every few days at the diner where I worked. He had the text on his phone blown up to the maximum size, such that I could read every single word. He used to alternate between texting his wife (“Wifey”) and his mistress (“Kitten”). I never said anything.
A Family Affair
I wonder if the two of them ever found out about the other, or if they continued along in blissful innocence. I can’t imagine I was the ONLY one to see his texts from more than 5 feet away! Reddit user: lexixd
My parents are not the most discreet folks. Unfortunately, they came into the restaurant I work at once when they were visiting me. They proceeded to loudly discuss their romantic life through the entire meal. I was absolutely mortified, but I couldn’t say anything at the time because I was working a different set of tables.
The Connection
Now all of my coworkers know more than I ever needed to learn. I can’t even describe the embarrassment. Reddit user: [redacted]
I used to regularly serve two middle-aged women friends who would meet up for lunch once a week. I think they chose my restaurant because one of them went to a psychologist whose office was around the corner. One day, I overheard the phrase “my psychologist says my lady parts are too tight for my mental health right now.”
Spoon-phobia
To this day, I wonder how on earth the psych knew about any of this. Either way, I hope things worked out for her. Reddit user: teaforbatutut
I work at a Southern food restaurant, and we get a lot of orders for sweet tea. Sometimes, customers order their tea unsweetened, which, in my opinion, is already an odd request. Once, though, I had a customer order his tea unsweeted, with no spoon. I was totally baffled, since we don’t usually bring people a spoon with their large glass of iced tea.
Literal Criminals
I was sorely tempted to bring out the glass with a large spoon in it instead of a straw. I ended up deciding that I didn’t want a 0% tip, so I refrained, but I still wonder what would have happened if I’d done it. Reddit user: [redacted]
Sometimes what you overheard veers dramatically from funny to terrifying. Once I overheard two customers discussing how they wanted to assault one of my coworkers after their meal. I immediately reported it to our manager, who called the police and had them ejected forcibly from the establishment.
It’s Not Dog Food
Zero tolerance is the only option here. Do whatever you want with your tips, but if you threaten our staff, you don’t get to stay! Reddit user: Turfie146
I work at a fancy French restaurant. Our hamburgers are made from hand-chopped sirloin steak and are constructed with love. Once, a woman in her 80s came in, ordered a burger, and proceded to feed it to her pet chihuahua right off the table. She even used a fork!
Unintentionally Overheard
The kicker is that the entire time, she kept apologizing to the dog for the food tasting mediocre. At least she left a good tip. Talk about disrespectful! Reddit user: Ohmnomcookie
I waited a table once where a rather attractive couple kept loudly discussing the virtues of swinging as a lifestyle choice. I was a bit taken aback, since they seemed to bring up the topic whenever I was close to them. At first I thought that they were just indiscreet, but at the end, I saw that they had written their contact info on a napkin and left it for me!
Fishsticks
I didn’t ever call them, but I was flattered. It was almost as nice as the 25% tip they left me! Reddit user: eggyblonde
One day, a well-dressed family (they looked like devout Mormons) walked into my restaurant in Utah. One of the two kids ordered fish sticks off the kids’ menu, and one of them was shaped vaguely like a certain also lengthy part of the body. Both the kid and I noticed and shared a knowing glance. When the parents asked me to take a family photo, the kid posed while holding up the illicit fish stick, and I cracked up.
50 Shades of Gray…IRL
I don’t think the parents ever realized what was going on. It definitely takes a juvenile sense of humor (or an appreciation of South Park) to enjoy something like that. Reddit user: [redacted]
I once overheard a couple negotiating a BDSM contract over a cup of coffee. She was being very particular about what she was looking for in a “dom,” and he had his face screwed up in concentration as if to tell himself, “Don’t mess this up for yourself!”
No Hairballs Please!
I hope it worked out for them and that they had a great time. I love seeing people practice enthusiastic consent! Reddit user: Wookiee81
One of my regulars at my last job seemed to genuinely believe he was a cat. When it came time to order, he would just meow plaintively and point at an item on the menu. He would also lick his wrists in order to clean himself after eating. None of us ever talked to him, but we couldn’t come up with another explanation.
Turning the Tables
I always wanted to work up the courage to bring him a ball of yarn one day, but I never did. I like to think he would have appreciated it! Reddit user: pathfinder 2210
I’ve been a server for years, and I know how fun it can be to have a table making absurd conversation when you have an otherwise boring shift. So, when I eat out, I try to repay the favor. My go to lines go something like “it’s not my baby and I’m not giving you a dime” and “no, Larry, you can’t kill him; it won’t look like an accident!”
Pretty Close to the Line
I wish I brought along a camera to record my servers’ faces. They’re often totally priceless. Reddit user: [redacted]
As I walked up to refill a table’s coffee at the diner where I work, I overheard one person exclaim, “Lexie, you can’t do that; you have the same dad!” I immediately turned around and walked away to avoid hearing more. I wonder what Lexie did, but I’m pretty sure that whatever it was, it wasn’t good.
A Different Kind of Swinging
I don’t think I went back to the table until they called for the check. I do hope Lexie’s friends were able to talk some sense into her. Reddit user: ElPapaDiablo
I once overheard a guy on a date try to impress his dinner partner by saying he loved swing dancing. She suggested that they go to a place called “Swinging Richard’s” so that he could show her, which left him to awkwardly explain that Swinging Richard’s was a very different kind of dance club.
It’s a Booth
I could barely help guffawing as I saw his face go beet red and his brain try to figure out whether to let her know that he did in fact know what kind of dance club Swinging Richard’s actually was. Reddit user: ame-foto
I used to serve a couple that would quite visibly give each other…massages under the table of the corner booth where they would sit. Every time one of our waiters (usually a newbie) would ask the manager if they could eject them, but the manager would always refuse. They always bought at least 3 bottles of wine per night.
Pizza Hut Fight Club
They also left phenomenal tips. I think they realized that having the staff on their side was essential! Reddit user: [redacted]
I used to be the night manager at a Pizza Hut. A large family (at least, I think it was a family) came in one night. At some point, they started shouting at each other, then two of the women stood up and started slapping each other vigorously. The craziest part is that they were each holding their babies and kept holding them when the slapping started.
Therapy, Waffle House Style
The babies were laughing like it was all a big game, which I guess is the best possible outcome. Nobody wanted to get involved, so we just let the fight peter out and brought everyone their pizzas. Talk about surreal! Reddit user: turnburn720
Some wild stuff happens at night at Waffle House. I would know; I managed one for 10 years. One time, at 6am, a kindly old man came in and ordered a huge plate of eggs and meat. I was wondering what his deal was, but then he explained to me that he had buried his wife earlier that day and couldn’t sleep.
The Ingredients for Lasting Love
I asked my second-in-command to manage the restaurant for a bit, sat down, and let him tell me all about her. At Waffle House, we pride ourselves on our caring service. We’re an institution; we can handle anything! Reddit user: Youchoosetobesalty
I work at a cheap burger joint. One time, one of my customers shouted “you don’t love me” at someone who I assume was her boyfriend at the time. The response was priceless: “Of course I love you! I kiss you and I buy you fries! What more could you want?”
Something Fishy
Ah, if only the definition of love were so simple. I hope that she broke up with the poor fellow and taught him a much deserved lesson! Reddit user: cloud4197
I work at an “appetizing store” (what we call a place that sells smoked fish in New York City). One time, a woman remarked blandly that it “smells fishy in here.” Her husband turned to her and, with a straight face, said, “Well then close your legs, honey.” I think my jaw dropped all the way to the floor.
A Clownish Engagement
I turned away too fast to see her expression. I don’t think I would’ve been able to stop laughing otherwise! Reddit user: BridgetteBane
I was serving a large party (5 or 6 people) once, and without warning, a circus clown walks into the restaurant and starts performing for the table. We did not order a clown, He does some tricks, then produces an engagement ring, hands it to one of the men, and then one of the women gets on a knee to propose.
That’s Not How It Works
The man blushed, loudly said no, stood up, and walked out. Everyone, including the staff, was mortified. I wonder if they tipped the clown? Reddit user: did_it_right
I heard a couple scheming during an expensive dinner once. The man was explaining that he read on Yelp that if you complained enough about the meal, the manager would give it to you for free. I was the manager. I walked over and loudly told them that this was not true and brought them the bill immediately.
Acceptance Can Be Hilarious Too
Sheepishly they paid and didn’t make much conversation for the rest of the meal. Talk about some sheer audacity! Reddit user: Fatherchristmassdad
I once heard a teenager come out as gay to his parents over dinner. Their reaction was phenomenal: “Of course you are darling; you just ordered the only dish on the menu with edible flowers.” The kid burst out laughing, and I couldn’t get the smile off my face for the rest of the day.
Let Nothing Go to Waste
I love it when people use humor to diffuse potentially tense situations. Talk about some empathetic parents! Reddit user: Xyranthis
I’m a bartender at a nice cocktail establishment. Once, I was serving someone who had just eaten at an extremely fancy tasting menu restaurant, and he vomited all over the bar. He then proceeded to try to put the vomit back in his mouth, explaining that he didn’t want to waste such an expensive dinner.
Prospecting for Gold
Though I felt for the guy, I had to make him stop. Sometimes you really can’t put the cat back in the bag (or the vomit back in the stomach, in this case). Reddit user: RooR_
I once served a table full of proudly self-avowed “gold diggers.” They were all in their mid-50s and explained that they treated gold-digging as a full-time job. At the end of the meal, one of them whipped an Amex Black card out of her purse and said proudly that her latest “conquest” was comping the meal.
Dog Food
Honestly, I admire them for knowing what they want and going after it. Not to mention getting it successfully too. Reddit user: MistaFANG
I work in a neighborhood pizza joint, and I’ve seen people put some wild stuff on slices. Once, a drunk woman walked in, ordered a slice of pepperoni, then took a bag of dog treats out of her purse and proceded to crumble them up on top of the pizza. Curious, I asked her if it tasted good, and she simply barked in reply.
Rather Quiet
I’ve never worked up the guts to try it myself, but I wonder if some avant-garde restaurant will serve milkbone pizzas someday down the road. Reddit user: karter0
I know sometimes dinner conversation isn’t the best, but I generally prefer eating with someone human. Not true for everyone, apparently. Once I served a man who came into my restaurant with a life-sized blow-up doll. He sat it down on the other side of the table, ordered it some pasta, then gently cut up the noodles and used his fork to smear it on the doll’s mouth.
We overheard him asking the doll gently if she liked the food. I suppose I hope that she did? Reddit user: SquishyFaces